Last night/the early hours of this morning, I ended up going home alone.
Right now I don’t even think I want to talk to Igor, In fact, for the whole day I’m not talking to Igor. I don’t know what his problem is, but he needs to chill.
He literally got angry at me for no reason. I got drunk last night but I wasn’t totally wasted that I couldn’t put 1 and 2 together. Then my guy, with his voice of superiority and disapproval tells me he’s been looking after me all night that my coat fell on the floor and he picked it up and bla bla bla. Like excuse me? Looking after me?
Bitch please.
Because my coat fell on the floor does not suddenly make me the figurehead of irresponsibility. Like really? So this girl right here took her ‘you need looking after’ arse and carried herself irresponsibly home. And by that I mean I made it into my house all by myself without my knight in fucking shining armour. And I walked in a straight line while doing it.
I’m actually tired of him. If I act in any way other than how Jesus would act, I’m suddenly a child or I’m dubbed as crazy. I don’t need him telling me that who I am is crazy. He’s fucking crazy with his pedantic arse.
If he tells me to “behave” one more time like he fucking conceived me I will permanently remove him from my life. I am not here to play.
As if I didn’t have a life before him. The way he goes on like I can’t function without him. I am so fucking responsible it sucks. I will never go beyond my limits and I will never do anything I know I will regret. He needs to clamber off his high horse and not hit his head while he’s at it.
About looking after me… Did he even call or follow me to make sure I got home safely?
Yes I was drunk, and yes I was very much giddy from spending time with my boyfriend on the New Year. I was fucking happy. But I didn’t do anything out of line. I danced all night and then I sat down and that was literally it. I didn’t even dance with anyone. No one. Just me, myself and I. No random guy for him to get jealous over. No random girl for him to get jealous over. No one!
In fact he didn’t do shit all night. He just sat there wearing his coat and scarf doing nothing. I was just trying to have a good time. Making the best of whatever music the DJ had to offer.
I’m not going to let him rain on my beautiful parade. It’s a new year and a year of possibilities. I’m going to work hard and be my best self. I’m not changing for anyone. If Igor can’t tolerate my flamboyant self, then that’s his own personal problem. I have walked into 2018 and I’m not even hungover.
HAPPY NEW YEAR BITCHEEEZZZ!!!
* * *
Ok, I lied. I feel sick as fuck.
Now I’m sitting in McDonald’s trying to appease an appetite I don’t have. What a depressing start to the year. I don’t know if I should cry or cry.
I really don’t know what I can do to make me feel better, physically and emotionally. I feel like being productive. Bang out the creativity and boss out on my craft. It’s my escape from reality and also my key to success so two birds, one stone.
So this could really be the end of Igor and I. So much for forever-person. Onto the next one! I’m actually really annoyed but also can’t be bothered to be annoyed. It’s like wasting time trying to stress over something so trivial.
Can’t even finish my McDonald’s. Just going to go back home and do some stuff…
This is why being alone is good. That way no one has any power over your emotions. I decide how I feel. And I choose to feel happy. Not.
* * *
I’m hurt and I’m crying because I’m hurt. I just feel so sad so I want to cry because crying is what sad people do, therefore I am crying.
I don’t know what I did wrong. And now we’re not talking and I don’t know why. At least I know why I’m not talking to him, but why isn’t he talking to me?
Why don’t I ever get a guy who fights for me? I’m tired of being the one rekindling shit. I get treated like the biggest criminal and half the time I don’t even know what I’ve done.
I feel sick and I feel sad. And I have no friends. Ok I have a lot of friends but no one to talk to. I only have my sad sad journal because I am a sad person. And all I can do is write about being sad.
I either need to throw up or diarrhoea. Either way something has to come out from somewhere and at this point in time, I don’t care where. I just want to feel better so at least I don’t have a body that’s feeling as sad as my emotions.
I want to go home. I should never have come back. I shouldn’t even go to work tomorrow I just want to stay at home and cry. Not eat food and cry. Do nothing and cry. Crying is my new best friend. Fuck life.
I’m going to be alone for life. That’s the only thing left for me. Aloneness. 2018 is my year of aloneness. And crying.
I’m sitting in bed like a fucking loser crying like a loser and it’s so sad. I want to run away and cut myself from the world. I think I’ll do that. I have money so I’ll run away. Buy a flight to some remote part of the world and start over as a nomad.
I’m going to cry my tears then get up and be normal.
* * *
I left home to go and sit outside the shopping mall by myself because crying in my room was suffocating. I’d rather cry out in the open so at least the wind can dry my tears.
Igor called. Basically he was angry because I almost pushed him over in my drunken state. Ok? I was drunk, I definitely wasn’t stable and accidents happen.
He asked if he was wrong to be angry. I told him he was allowed to get angry over whatever he wanted. Then apparently I got upset then went home and didn’t even say bye. Right.
I left because he was angry and I wasn’t going to be somewhere with someone that was angry at me. Then he asked why I hadn’t messaged him all day. Why hadn’t he messaged me?!
Then I started crying because my emotions always betray me. He told me to come over to his place so that we could talk. I told him I wasn’t going anywhere, that I was tired of always being in his room and outside was where I wanted to be.
I was adamant about not moving and he was adamant about not leaving his place on account of not yet showering or washing his hair. Like I was going to move for him?! If he wants to talk he knows where I am.
Anyway he’s getting ready and will be on his way shortly.
* * *
He showed up for me. And I’m emotionally unstable right now because no one has ever showed up for me and it’s all I’ve ever wanted.
When he saw me, he immediately held and kissed me. And he didn’t let me go.
All is right with the world again.
I thought I had scared him away with my dramatics but he still wants me.
I think he’s my forever-person (again).
* * *
I cried. Because what was I saying? That I’ve never had anyone fight for me? Then this gem of a man shows up and fights for me. He showed up. For me.
He looked me in my eyes and he held me. I don’t want to romanticise it but this shit was like out of a movie.
I’ve never felt deserving because when I show up for people, it’s never reciprocated. But today someone actually went above and beyond for me. It’s the first time this has happened and so my emotions got the better of me.
He was so nice and understanding. I think romance is real. I can’t even believe all those years I wasn’t actually in a romantic relationship. What was I doing? I don’t understand.
This is so new to me and even though I do dramatise everything and go a bit overboard I do really like him and it’s so strange that he likes me too. Because I feel it and I’ve never felt liked before.
How the fuck did I almost get married?!