Thursday, 1 February, 2018

Relationships are weird.

I like Igor, I really do. He turns me on in all the right ways. But thats, like, sexual.

I know how I am around my friends and I know how I am around Igor and I don’t know what it is but…

I know, I know. I’m thinking again. But really I just want to get this out.

I don’t know. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.

Ok, here it is: should I be moving towards falling in love with him, because I’m not. Yet.

I really like him and he makes me smile and laugh. I know it’s only been two months so I can’t expect to be in love with him already, but I should definitely like him more today than I did yesterday? Right?

Plus I’m so preoccupied with pursuing my craft that I feel like it’s overtaking my brain and I’d rather commit all my headspace to that if given the chance.

I know I’m going to start overthinking. But when I set my mind to something, I chase it with all the passion that I’ve got. I’m aiming towards becoming a huge success and I’m so worried that a relationship will fall to second place because of this.

My craft is all I can think about. It’s what I dream about and it’s what keeps me up at night. It’s giving me everything I need to feel fulfilled and so I’m so, so wary of how this will make me perceive relationships.

I don’t want to be a career woman, that’s not me. I want love in my life. I just don’t want to be so consumed in one thing that I’m not present with something that’s equally, if not more, important.

But back to the whole love thing. Because I don’t have this crazy, head-over-heels, in love attachment to him (yet), I do feel as though it would be easier for me to slip up. To put my all into projects that I do have a crazy, head-over-heels, in love attachment to.

I don’t want to keep talking about my craft. I’m so obsessed, I really want to focus on something else. I want our conversations to be about things we both like talking about.

I’m going to stress over this. I don’t want to but it’s starting to bother me.

I’m frustrated. He takes an interest in what I do. He wants to help me succeed and that’s beautiful. In fact I’m so touched that he’s there for me, I want to be better for him. I want him to know that it’s not only my business that’s important to me. He too is.

I don’t want to retreat into my mind around him. Again, I want to be present. Before, I was overthinking about my relationship, now I’m overthinking about my craft.

Stop Dera. Stop.

Also, FEBRUARY IS HERE!