Before I start with my brain dump, I must try to remember all the alias’/pseudonyms used for people who are/were in my life.
I know, I know, it has been months, about nine, and it goes without saying that a lot has happened. Not just to me personally but pretty much to every single person in the fucking world.
What even the fuck has 2020 been. I don’t even get how this whole year can be such a hot damn mess!
Ok, so, I got married. Just before the country went into lockdown! A week later and I WOULD NOT have been able to get married. The day itself saw a good number of people not turn up because of this pandemic, and my lovely husband had a lot of friends and family members who just didn’t want to risk their health by flying down. It was sad but we must count out blessings where we can because the fact of the matter is, 1) we were able to get married and 2) nobody died.
YES, nobody died, because apart from the virus ravaging lungs and killing people, my makeup artist decided driving into a tree and totalling her car was how she wanted to start my day! When I say my wedding day was stressFULL, best believe it’s not an over-exaggeration. Thank God she wasn’t hurt and I’m so grateful to her for showing up for me despite the horrible accident she experienced – I literally had to get in my car to pick up her assistants while she waited to get her car sorted.
I feel like if I really sat down to think about my wedding day, I’d be really upset and annoyed and so I don’t really give it much thought, other than to be grateful it’s over and I never have to do it again. The best part, for me, was the ceremony; having Sana sing as I walked down the aisle with Gah on the guitar. It was beautiful. And then seeing Telis at the alter after such a disastrous morning – making him wait two more hours because I was running late because… life. Having to move the welcome drinks to before the ceremony, and changing the time of the ceremony last minute to the time we initially wanted but was convinced to make earlier and having to rush to get nine bridesmaids ready (it was actually less than that because Winter got kicked out of the bridal party and another bridesmaid, Ria, didn’t show up because she thought she had COVID) and everything just being a mess and I’m going off and this really isn’t a road I want to go down because, like I said, I would get really annoyed so let me stop.
I think I’d have to properly dedicate a day to just write down my thoughts and feelings about my wedding because man…
Fast forward to lockdown, which featured some amazing, sunny and warm afternoons/evenings with our neighbours and our friend Bert, who became part of our lockdown group, many of them a drunken night with drunken behaviours and drunken activities. Again, so much has happened that the only way I can summarise is to introduce my neighbours, India and Axel, and basically state how close we’ve gotten and how good friends we are now.
Awesome. So that’s pretty much everything. Generally, I’m good, happy, alive, healthy, nothing to report other than life is fine. I’m still working, I’m still driving and I’m still in a relationship (well a marriage now).
Ok, why am I here? I am mentally fatigued. I am tired, my mind cannot take anymore and I feel restless because I need answers but don’t have a crystal ball so I can’t do anything other than nothing but I can’t not do nothing because I’m me so I do something and then it exhausts me doing all this something, only to hit a brick wall of nothingness and I don’t know what to do!
Telis and I want to buy a house. We reckon there’s going to be a market crash but at the same time there’s no certainty that that would happen because the government is doing everything it can to stop the market from declining. So, I’ve been doing all this research to figure out what is the best move for us – getting on the property ladder ASAP or waiting it out to see what happens to the economy. See, right now, there’s a mini-boom; people are going crazy buying property due to pent-up demand from lockdown, cool. But there’s no sign of things slowing down and I don’t want us to miss out on this crazy period of activity.
At the same time, there are a lot of redundancies that are pending and with that may bring disaster to the economy as a whole, including the property market, with people not being able to keep up repayments and defaulting on mortgages. I have learnt very recently that I am a perfectionist who needs to be in control of her life. I hate uncertainty, I hate not being able to plan with concrete information. I hate leaving things to the whim of the universe. Not being able to predict whether the market will crash is doing my head in and it’s driving me crazy because I’m constantly doing research and reading forums and seeing if people on social media are reporting redundancies and constantly checking if house prices are falling, just to get an idea of where things are. And now I’m mentally fatigued but I can’t stop because I’m a fucking perfectionist – to my detriment. Help.
And I never know how to stop. I am a woman on a mission and if I set my mind to something, it’s very difficult for me to see reason. Example: I pierced the conch of my ear by myself. It wasn’t pierced straight. I was like fuck it, whatever, it’s cool. But actually, it wasn’t. It irked me. It wasn’t perfect, it looked bent to me and I didn’t like it. But I told myself to leave it because I could really end up hurting myself if I tried to do it again. But perfectionist. I couldn’t let myself be. I felt urges to fix it, correct it. I had to. My whole existence would not let me rest until it was straight, so I took out the jewellery and put the needle in again. And then again. And then again. Until I was sure it was straight. In that moment, I felt like a prisoner to my perfectionism. I did something potentially dangerous because I couldn’t fight the need for it to be perfect and I hated myself for it. I get obsessive and I think maybe it could be OCD because I don’t know how else to describe it. Something comes over me and I just must.
I did online counselling, not for my perfectionism, but for my inability to enjoy sex. I didn’t do it for long, only a month, but the conclusion was, I was a victim of sexual assault and I was almost raped. Because of that, I’ve tried to retain a level of control over my body and because sex requires vulnerability, which I’m not very good at, I basically can’t allow myself to just let go. To me, there’s safety in control. There’s safety in doing everything myself because I can guarantee that I can get it right for me. I wish I wasn’t like this. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner of my mind. I want to be free and not worry and not be anxious and not need to know the future but I can’t help it.
Now, people around me are getting pregnant and Telis and I have agreed to start trying end of September, which isn’t too far away of course, but I’m terrified that I’ll struggle or that it won’t work for me or that I’ll be broken somehow. I’m so scared to start trying in case I find out something is wrong with me, yet this is something I’ve wanted badly for so long. And with my friends getting pregnant, I’m starting to think maybe I need to get a move on too. There’s a pressure there and I’m not sure where it comes from. Maybe it’s something innate in being a woman – let me do a quick Google. The thing is, I feel this pressure but at the same time I’m terrified. It’s just so many adult decisions to start making, from buying a house, to making a baby, that I’m not ready for, but whatever, come September, we’ll start trying. I really want to be a mother and anxiety shouldn’t stop me from trying. Also, the Google search said that friends tend to get pregnant at the same time because they’re influenced by each other. There ya go. I feel influenced.
Also the pregnant friends are India (my neighbour) and an old friend from uni’s girlfriend – who are supposed to be getting married 1st October but we’ll see about that because of COVID restrictions.
I’ve researched and found that I get 26 weeks of full pay while on maternity leave, which is awesome. I definitely love working at Company A, I’ll be a year there in a few days, which is exciting!
Speaking of friends. I removed, cancelled, deleted, blocked Junior out of my life. Some people are just trash friends. Like completely and utterly. This guy has NEVER showed up for me, not ONCE in our NINE YEARS of friendship. He would NEVER call me unless he needed money and he was just an all round bad friend. But we had good convo and I liked talking to him so I stuck around. But him not showing up to my wedding was the last straw I never knew I had.
CAN YOU IMAGINE. The night, THE NIGHT before my wedding day, my guy TEXTS me ‘sO I hAvE tO bE aT YoUr WeDdInG bY mYseLf NoT kNoWiNg AnYoNe?‘ OMG my blood BOILS. ARE YOU DUMB! WHAT?? It’s the night before my wedding you suddenly remembered you wouldn’t know anyone there. When he had a good NINE MONTHS to ask for a plus one. When he had a good NINE MONTHS to raise his concerns with me, it was the NIGHT BEFORE my wedding that he suddenly remembered that he wouldn’t know anyone there?? WHAT THE FUCK!!! I straight up ignored him, followed by a soft block, because WHAT?? If you don’t want to come at least SAY IT WITH YOUR FUCKING CHEST! No, I don’t have time for fake friends. FUCK YOU and FUCK YOU AGAIN. FUCK FAKE FRIENDS. FUCK BAD FRIENDS. FUCK FRIENDS WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN A FRIEND IN THE FUCKING FIRST PLACE. FUCK FRIENDS WHO SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN A FRIEND FOR SO DAMN LONG. FUCK YOU JUNIOR. I’m pissed and I think it’s warranted because corona would have been a fucking better excuse. Like, your friend is getting married, put your ego aside and show up for them. I don’t get it. I had a friend who showed up alone, bless her, and she celebrated me through it all. I have zero regrets, what I did needed to be done and I’m glad I did because I’m not a fucking mug.
Phew.
I’m not entirely sure what my brain dump was supposed to be. I think I’m just bored. I want to buy a house but don’t know how to proceed and I want to conceive but don’t know how to proceed and I want to grow my business but don’t know how to proceed. I think what I’m feeling is stuck. I need help. I need God to spell out the future to me. I need my uterus to tell me everything is A-OK in there. I need someone to help me do the things I can’t do myself. I don’t know what to do to feel comfortable with the uncertainties of life without being an all-seeing, all-knowing Oracle.
I’m happy but there’s so many unknowns in this life. I must power through. I’ll try and keep up with my journal because there have been some quality moments that definitely would have benefitted from being recorded.
Let’s hope that we make the right decision regarding buying a house and starting a family. I think with Telis, being with him just makes everything in my life fall into place. I shouldn’t be worried, because with him, nothing can go wrong.