Why am I lying like I’ve never had a guy show up for me? My very first boyfriend once made his way to my house with only long-forgotten directions to guide him. I’m sure he got ridiculously lost but he showed up at my door anyway to ask for my forgiveness.
I was 18, he was 19. We only lasted 10 months but I’m sure if we were a bit older and there wasn’t a 4000 mile distance between us (we met in Deraland before he flew back to Firstboyfland where our long distance relationship was born) we could have been something beautiful.
The next boyfriend was my ex and he will never get a name because there will come a time when I will no longer mention him in my journals. I think he damaged me. I just never expected him to show up for me because why expect something that never has and never will happen? And that’s the viewpoint I brought with me into this relationship.
But whatever.
Today I put together a ‘Dera-Craft-Day’ schedule and today was a craft day so Igor and I went to our respective homes after work and I had my space to be productive. My free days are basically Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. The remaining days I’ll be busy working on my passion. I love that we can now do our own thing and not live in each other’s pockets.
This is a relationship that I want. It’s perfect in every way.
But what was I yesterday?! I was an emotional mess. Love it! It was so dramatic in all the right ways. High five to me and my theatrics!
I always assume the worst and my automatic reaction is to conclude that I’ve done something terrible to ruin things.
But he said he wasn’t even angry at me and that he was just annoyed that I almost got him killed when I accidentally pushed him into the way of a moving taxi. But like I said, accidents happen! Life goes on!
I have major feels for him.
I still cannot compute the fact that he showed up for me. Like it feels so strange to have someone like you. I know I’m an awesome person but I’m so used to people just being my friend, including my ex-lover, that when someone actually treats you like a person deserving of affection, it just doesn’t feel like it’s for me. Or like it should be for me.
I don’t know why I never feel deserving. It’s always a recurring theme. And I want to blame my ex because he probably did fuck me up but maybe it goes deeper than that? Nah. My ex caused this. I think it’s because I did so much for him. I carried our one-sided relationship without expecting anything in return and so when someone does something nice for me, despite almost getting them killed, it feels strange because I know I haven’t done a good thing to warrant such actions.
I’m just remembering Igor standing there waiting for me. And the first thing he does is hold me even though I acted like a total child and almost got him killed. I’m actually tearing up.
And he still likes me…
With my ex, I was afraid to be upset or angry or feel any negative emotion towards anything he did because he would basically run away, close himself off from me and he definitely wouldn’t try and reconcile. So I couldn’t speak my truth. And I’d have to be the one to fix things because it would undoubtedly somehow be my fault. Anything bad happening in his life was never a result of his own actions. Something or someone else was always to blame. So I avoided expressing my negative emotions in case I somehow pushed him away and ruined everything. And that’s stuck with me.
But yesterday, I refused to go over to Igor’s place to talk things out with him. I just didn’t want to go, yet in my head I was so worried that if I carried on being adamant about it I’d push him away. I didn’t want to be that girl who gave into her man’s every command. So I said no and kept saying no and I was sure that he wouldn’t like me anymore.
But he showed up for me… And he wasn’t even upset at me. If anything he was more concerned about how I was feeling and how he could make me feel better. And my heart hurts because its so nice to have someone care for you so unconditionally. I’m crying. I’m just so touched.
You’d think that this would be a given in relationships but it just isn’t.
I can’t believe I almost made the biggest mistake of my life by agreeing to marry my ex.
Anyway, I’m crying again. 2018 is definitely the year of tears. Regardless of whether its good tears or bad, I feel like my tears won’t be falling but will be crashing around me for the next 363 days instead.