We’ve gone our separate ways, I think?
Anyway, it’s fine. I get anxiety and I don’t want that. I’m in a place where I’m always thinking about our relationship and my emotions for him. I really do think that too much has transpired and it’s left me in a place where I’m not feeling like myself.
I wanted this to work so bad. I still day dream about our future together, I still see him in that future but it doesn’t even matter anymore.
Things started off amazing, but now here we are. But gold covered shit is still shit. Just saying…
I haven’t been myself in this relationship and I’ve probably made it difficult for him but I need to be able to relax around someone. Feeling judged is the worst thing for me. I guess he just doesn’t get me and vice versa. I’d say I played my part in this. I was probably a terrible girlfriend.
But I can’t be a good girlfriend if my mood always sucks around him.
I just want to feel comfortable around someone. Be my crazy, silly self and have them love it wholeheartedly without trying to make me reign it in regardless of the situation.
I just want to be me.
* * *
I just want to be able to have fun with someone. Be silly and not give two-shits what anyone else thinks. I want to chat shit and make no sense. I want to watch terrible TV shows and sing along to crappy songs. I want to dance. I want to talk about the meaning of life and debate which breed of cow is the cutest. I want to nerd out but act totally cool at the same time. I want to share secrets and share my aspirations. I want to be listened to and heard. I want someone to just get me. To understand. To know. I want to be trusted, to hold a heart in my hand and for them to know that I would never ever break it. And I want to be loved. To be shown the affection and attention I deserve.
Life happens. And with it comes shit.
I’ve never felt so misunderstood in my life. He never really knew me or maybe he just didn’t get me. Maybe it’s because I never showed him me. Because he never saw me around other people, but if he had, perhaps he’d know who I am. He’d understand the way I act.
He’d understand that at my most joyful, I’m filled with an energy that I can’t contain. I’m buoyant, I’m bright and I’m energetic. I’m not crazy, I’m not not-normal.
He’d understand that when I’m lost in thought, I’m silent, not present and a little bit melancholic. But I’m not sad, or angry or upset.
He’d understand that my freedom comes with zero boundaries. Zero binding words spoken in my direction. But it doesn’t mean I’m loose, or I’m wild or I’m not to be trusted.
He’d understand that when faced with a confrontation, I’d rather run than fight. But it’s because I’d rather preserve someone else feelings than my own.
He’d understand that sometimes I don’t have a reason why. I just do because I can.
He’d understand that I’m human and I come with past hurts and past experiences but it doesn’t mean that he is my past.
He’d understand. But I guess he just doesn’t.
* * *
Am I asking for too much? Was what I had always enough? My ex was perfect in every way except for when it came to the romantic side of things. Igor was perfect in every way except for when it came to the friendship side of things. Maybe there’s just no middle ground. Maybe it’s either you get along with someone so well but have no romantic connection or you’re romantically suited but just don’t know how to get along as friends.
Maybe I’ve already gotten the best that I can get. The most I deserve.
Or maybe I’m just a terrible person who doesn’t know how to appreciate what’s in front of them.
I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know if I was right or wrong to walk away from my relationships. I don’t know if just loving someone without sex or romance was enough. I don’t know if having someone care for you and show up for you but without the commonalities was enough. I don’t know what is or isn’t enough. I want everything but maybe it’s not what I deserve.