I haven’t been getting intimate with Telis and then I had to go and drudge up the past just so that he didn’t think it was because I wasn’t attracted to him.
Going back to my whole near-rape experience left me so shaken on Sunday night that I slept terribly. Yesterday I googled services available to victims of sexual assault. I think I’ll get help.
I’m just so reluctant to be touched. I don’t want to feel pleasure and I avoid sex altogether. It comes and goes. Sometimes I feel fine and sometimes I’d rather just go about my life without ever being intimate again.
I’m going to call a helpline and see what can be done going forward. I do want to get better. I don’t like thinking of myself as a victim but maybe that’s what I am. I just want to talk/write honestly about it and not run away from the fact that it did happen and it happened to me.
The biggest thing is the shame I’ve attached to it. Before he pinned me down and tried forcing himself onto me, he fingered me, and I enjoyed the sensation and I feel disgusted with myself for enjoying something that almost got me raped. I can’t allow myself to feel pleasure again. I’d rather give than receive but it’s not fair on me.
I’ve come so close to the big O, maybe I’ve even had it, but I also stop myself. I run from it and I tell myself that’s enough. I don’t want it.
I want to be able to enjoy myself with Telis. I don’t want to feel fearful or ashamed. I don’t know how to get over this. The only time I can let go is when I’m drunk and I don’t want to drink.
I just want to scream and cry out. I’ve battled myself for so long over this and I’m tired of fighting. I just want to be. I want to feel love in all its entirety. I’m going to work on overcoming this trauma.
In other news, I’ve been reaching out to vendor after vendor to no avail. It’s so fucking difficult. People are interested in the idea but aren’t registering onto my platform. I need to keep going, no one said it would be easy.