Telis travelled to Telisland on Monday and he’s returning tomorrow. While there he got several tests done, pretty generic, but just to check his overall health.
His blood pressure came back 152/95. Yikes.
That’s stage two hypertension.
The doctor told him that at this rate, he’d have a heart attack by 50. So not only is my husband’s unhealthy lifestyle jeopardising our future with children, but also jeopardising my future with a husband. Great. So all I have left to expect from this life is loss. It really isn’t worth living, is it?
I just feel annoyed. I’m so annoyed!
Infertility is never anyones fault, but when you don’t take serious actions to get your body in the best shape to reproduce, it’s annoying. It’s annoying because when things go wrong, they impact me. It’s my body it happens in and I have to experience and feel the physical loss of it all.
I did everything. EVERYTHING. Literally EVERYTHING. I took every supplement. Every vitamin. Tried sperm friendly lube. Used a cup to hold the semen in. I put my legs up after sex. I put my legs down. I tried this position and that position. I did fucking acupuncture. I paid money for doctors to tell me there was nothing wrong with me. I lost weight. I tried to be healthy. I did everything.
But my husband?
He just continued to get fat and unhealthy. All he needed to do was just try and cut everything out. Not down. OUT. No alcohol, no coffee. But that was always too much to ask. One month was apparently enough to get him in the best shape to make a fucking baby. We couldn’t even get through an IUI cycle because all his sperm died.
I am not making anymore sacrifices to make a baby. I am not making a baby with someone who will be dead in 10 years. He needs to get his fucking act together. This isn’t just on me but it’s hurting me and it’s hurting me a lot. I refuse to make any subpar embryos that never make it because my husband doesn’t have the discipline to give up on his unhealthy lifestyle. I am not making babies with this man until he’s serious about making healthy changes.
It’s so selfish of him to see how much I put in to make it work. To make it happen. And yet wine and coffee are too much to give up. Excessive eating because hE’s a fOoDiE. Fuck off with being a foodie, just lose weight. I’m done. I’m fucking done.
Sat here contemplating my life. Thinking about ending it all when all my pain stems from someone else’s selfishness. He wants to be a father by 35, then he better fix up and get healthy by 34 because I’m barely even 30 and I have time to waste.
I’m not even going to blame myself anymore for our predicament. You know why. Because there’s nothing wrong with me. You know how I know? Because I produce eggs, I ovulate every cycle, my tubes are open and my uterus is receptive. I had a 100% fertilisation rate. Every single one of my eggs accepted a sperm. They didn’t all make it but damn they all tried. You know what his sperm did? They stayed inconsistent. Low sperm count, then low morphology, then miraculous normal numbers, mass death during IUI washing, then low sperm count again. Yeah I’m fucking pissed because it’s all avoidable if he just adopts a healthier lifestyle. All he literally has to do is drink less caffeine, eat less salt and lose fucking weight. If he cared enough he would have tried harder but he hasn’t tried at all and so no babies and that’s that.