Stop reading my journal!
Anyway, I’d booked two tickets to go and see Black Panther on the coming Monday, but as I now may be single, I’ve prepared backup just in case. The concert that I have next Friday, I’d have to go to alone. I’d probably just sell one of the tickets and rock out by myself. Or I could ask Casper. It’s probably not his scene but a new experience would be good for him.
One of my friends has gone AWOL. She’s literally disappeared. I’ve tried calling her number, messaging and calling her on WhatsApp, searching for her on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, connecting with her on LinkedIn, messaging and calling her on Snapchat. I’ve tried everywhere and everything. I don’t know where she is. Last time I heard from her was in January and she said she’d call me back. I’m a little worried and I’m just hoping she’s ok. I don’t know any of her friends or family members so not really sure how else to get in contact with her. I’m going to keep trying anyway. Hopefully all is well.
I was meant to be travelling west with my cousins next weekend but the flights are looking extra expensive so I’m thinking about going east instead and visiting a friend. I don’t have that many friends and I feel like I’ve been out of touch for a while. But this morning one of my university friends reached out to me to say hello. So that’s nice. It’s nice when people message you, you don’t feel so alone. I should meet up with friends more too. Actually, what I should do is make friends. I think I’ll still stick to my sewing schedule but on my free days I’ll go out to events and meet people.
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Today is a good day. It’s been productive. I went food shopping. Now I’m thinking about all the delicious foods I’m going to cook myself. Being Fridarian and eating Fridarian food is what today is about. I’m an amazing cook, I just don’t do it often enough, but today I will cook and I will enjoy.
I spoke to my friend Junior today. He said no matter what relationship you get into, there will always be some bullshit.
The thing I need to do is actually find the bullshit that’s worth tolerating. I’m not going to say that I’m going to be single for life because knowing myself, I’ll meet someone like yesterday but I do want to wait before settling down.
I’ve been in love. Love is choosing someone over and over again despite what you go through together. I want to be in love – I do. I was so enamoured by Igor in the beginning. Man he was everything. I felt it in my bones, in my brain, in my heart that this guy would be mine forever. I guess it was all wishful thinking. As you get to know someone, either the illusion fades or everything you thought is reaffirmed.
Anyway, I’m ok. It’s a sad situation but life goes on.
Now time to cook!
* * *
No, I’m not ok. This is all wrong.
All wrong. Completely wrong. Ridiculously wrong.
Because we should be together. He does my fucking head in but this is stupid. It’s so stupid. It’s the most stupid thing ever! We need to do better.
Firstly, what the fuck is wrong with me? Really, am I ok? He deserves better. I need to swallow my fucking pride and be less offended at everything. All I do is complain about the smallest things and I’m so rigid in my resolve, I won’t compromise. Fuck me.
Secondly, he has every right to be annoyed at me. I’d be annoyed at me in his position. He’s a good person who treats me how I deserve to be treated. In fact, all our little issues aren’t nothing that can’t be fixed.
Thirdly, he is annoying and he is emotional and he’s just like me and we need to do better to not annoy each other because we can’t be doing this to each other.
Anyway it’s too late. I don’t want to be going back and forth with him. I’ll leave him for someone he would find less crazy. I’m sad but maybe it’s better for him?