I’m sad.
I’ve just seen that my friends, who got together a few months after Jomi and I, got engaged on the New Year.
I’m happy for them but I’m sad. They’re marrying their long term partner and it just reminds me of something that I once had. That childhood love. The prospect of an adult life together. I’m still going to get that, but the progression from innocence to maturity I’ll miss out on.
We all had our little relationships together. We nurtured and grew our relationships together. And they still have theirs. And I’m here. Starting again.
* * *
I just got reminded of my failure and it hurts seeing someone else make it where I’ve failed.
Man, my life is a joke. It really is. I don’t know if I should laugh or cry. I just want to get away from it all. Having to make decisions that not only affects you but someone else sucks. I just wish it was easy choosing a life partner, but am I just asking for too much? Is physical or sexual attraction or camaraderie not that important? Should I just come to accept one without the other. Should I choose to sacrifice my need for a sexual connection so that I’m content with just a physical attraction and camaraderie?
I wish I had the answers. I wish I knew the decisions I was making would work out in the long term. I’m not here to be breaking up engagements, I really do want to get married. I just need to be sure of the person and so far, no one has been 100% and that’s what scares me. Maybe I am asking for too much.
I know beauty fades and when it comes down to it, you want someone you can continue to love and tolerate. But at the same time I’m 26. I want to look at the love of my life and swoon. I could just be shallow.
I don’t know. I don’t think I’ll ever know.