He makes me feel good about myself. He really does. And I’ve mentioned many times how he makes me feel.
But he also makes me feel bad about myself and that’s what sticks. Sometimes he says things in jest but it just doesn’t come across how he means or it somehow gets lost in translation, but then it hurts me.
So what is it, am I a sensitive person? Well, that depends on:
- What’s said
- Who says it
He said a few things these past few days that have offended me a little bit and when something is a direct insult, yeah it’s hard to not take it personally. I’m all for banter. I trade barbs back and forth with my friends; I say mean shit and they say mean shit too, but it’s nothing that brings into question who we are as people.
He asked me if I would sleep with any of the guys I’d slept with before if him and I broke up. Firstly, I thought he asked if I’d sleep with any of the guys I’d slept with if him and I hadn’t gotten together but even still, what kind of fucking question is that? And secondly, what kind of fucking question is that?! Why would you ask that to your girlfriend?! Even as a joke?! It’s a bit touchy.
It’s like he’s bringing into question my moral integrity. Shit that shouldn’t even matter within the relationship we’re in. He makes me out to be some sort of hoe and it’s not even the first time he’s done this. There was a time when he literally was calling me hoe as a joke and that fucking hurts.
So, I’m now in a bad mood, understandably, and I’m trying my damned hardest not to escalate the problem because I hate arguments. So now I’m grumpy girlfriend (even though he put me into a grump), and I have a problem and I never let things go and bla bla bla. Ok!
That’s why on Thursday I said “I know how I am around my friends and I know how I am around Igor and I don’t know what it is but…” because with my friends I’m not grumpy. The banter flows, there’s chillness all around and everything is great. With him I’m the fucking Grinch. I don’t feel like myself sometimes.
And according to him “I’m problematic”, “there’s always something wrong with me”, “my mood switches”, etc, etc. But I’ve been acquaintances with many people and I have had brief episodes with guys and I’ve never gotten that from anyone. I was with a guy for five years and my temperament was pretty constant throughout. There were no fluctuating moods, no problems (other than for the reasons we broke up), no nothing. I’m not fucking crazy.
I have never once used his sexual past to bait him. Or to test him. In fact I don’t even bring it up! And he’s slept with five times more people than I have so he should keep quiet. I never say a bad thing about him. Even when talking about his smoking, I approach the topic from a place of care and concern. I don’t go in full guns blazing and tell him he’s a terrible person for smoking, like what the fuck, people have feelings.
I want to blame it on the language barrier, I really do. But we’re just not at that point where we’re comfortable enough with each other to even bring up topics that basically criticise who someone is.
Yes I’m fucking hurt and no I’m not over thinking shit because this is legit. This is real and it’s how I feel.
And I will not have someone tell me I’m something that I’m not. Or ask me silly questions that will bait me into looking like a fucking prostitute.
I’m annoyed.
All I want is a normal relationship where we do normal things and talk about normal stuff. Where we can laugh about shit and take the piss out of each other (in a nice way). Where I’m not always in a mood and everything is going swimmingly.
In fact, things were great up until this week. But now I question how he actually sees me…
* * *
I feel sick to my stomach because now I feel like I’ve slept with too many guys. Now I want to cry.