Cymric…
I stumbled upon old chats from 2016 between me and Junior. Even old chats with Cymric too. My heart breaks because there was always this undercurrent of flirtation. In fact, undercurrent is an understatement. It was a full on fucking tidal wave!!
I actually forgot how much of mine and Cymric’s conversations were flirtatious. Probably all of it. I always remember how we were when we were physically together but never the words that were exchanged. He was always receptive to it all. I forgot that. There was a lot of complements and he asked me out quite frequently. I want all of that to mean something but I won’t be living in reality if I believe it does.
But he’s always been just a friend, right? That’s how I’ve always seen him. I liked him a lot as a person. A lot a lot. I always referred to him as a friend. Only a friend. I even stated clearly, in the past, that I wouldn’t date him. The same way he “rejected” me was the same way I “rejected” him. The only difference is that he did it to my face.
I have plenty of past conversations with people where I’ve said that Cymric and I don’t have that natural connection. That I don’t see him as anything other than a friend. So why am I so hurt? Is it just the fact that I got rejected? I don’t understand.
All I know now is that maybe I did want something more. But maybe that’s just me having an unrealistic view of what our relationship actually was/is.
I’m tired. I want to sleep. The Italian is still asking me out, but I don’t want to get involved with him. At what point do I block him?
I accidentally broke the Jupiter he gave me. It fell on the floor. Oops.
Anyway I need to stop being so butt hurt over Cymric. I spoke with a guy I know today and told him the whole story. He said I wasn’t even rejected properly, that it was all hypothetical and Cymric probably didn’t mean it that way. Perhaps. Maybe I just need to stop taking it so seriously. Maybe I need to stop hiding from him and just face him like an actual adult.
Boo! I’ll message him then.
I don’t want to message him and pretend everything is ok though. Let me just stop talking about him. It’s tiring. I’m tired.
Stuff actually happened today.
It was a busy day at work and the videographer came and did my little interview on the behalf of my university. I look forward to seeing the footage. I wore makeup and everything.
I have my first, but not official, meetup for my sci-fi and fantasy group tomorrow. I’ll meet some of my members and hopefully it’ll be fun.
I need to meditate. Make sense of shit that I’ve chosen not to think about. It’s about time I thought about it so I can make an adult decision to face my fears and message Cymric telling him we can’t be friends anymore or conclude that I’m just overreacting.
* * *
I need to stop thinking about what could have been and focus on what was.
I had a weekend where I was with someone I cared about. Whose company I enjoyed. I shouldn’t allow anything to take away from that experience. Especially my hopes for a future that was probably never for me.
Because I get along with someone doesn’t mean we should be together. And I see that I do this with most guys whose company I especially enjoy. Once upon a time I thought I was going to marry Robin. Igor was my supposed forever person and Cymric was a love that could have been but just wasn’t.
Now look where they are. Robin and I are just friends and I feel nothing more for him than friendship. Igor I won’t even consider a friend. And Cymric, well…
I need to set realistic expectations for myself and stop living in a fairytale.
Cymric is right. If he was here we probably wouldn’t be together. I was tempted by the sweetness that weekend brought but on any normal day, me and him probably wouldn’t be together. It’s nice to have people you feel comfortable around. It’s even nicer to have them as a friend. So a friend he is and a friend he shall stay.
I need to stop getting swept off my feet by basic manners. I’m hopeless…