There’s something that happens when your stars align. It almost seems that all your worry and fears of the past become trivial. It is said that the darkest hour comes just before the dawn and yes, I’ve cried my tears and I’ve lamented at the unfairness of life but were they not worth it for the story I’m about to tell?
Story time!
I said I wasn’t going to see him on Friday. In fact, 10 minutes before I did see him, I was in the frame of mind of going about my evening and enjoying a day that wouldn’t be filled with thoughts of him. Taking things slow was the right thing to do. As much as I did want to spend time with him, I knew that we couldn’t rush this. Instead I made plans to go for a meal with a friend.
As I came out of my door, with no intention of going anywhere but the restaurant I was to meet my friend at, I bumped into Vish, Telis’ good friend. Strangely enough, ever since I started seeing Telis, I’ve been bumping into Vish almost every other day. It started getting to the point where it stopped being a coincidence and a way for the universe to mess with me – but I’m done with all that synchronicity stuff.
We exchanged greetings and he said he was meeting with Telis and I should come with him. My friend was running late anyway so I had some time to kill. I was a bit hesitant because I’d already made my mind up about not seeing him that day, but it would only be for a few minutes, plus we’d be amongst others. I relented and we began making our way over to Telis’ place. Unknown to Vish that Telis and I were already involved, he started telling me of how very single and lovely of a guy Telis was. In my mind I half thought that maybe he did know about me and Telis and was trying to bait me into admitting our relationship. But I feigned ignorance and listened as he went on about things that I already knew.
Eventually I did give myself away when I stopped in front of Telis’ house like I’d definitely been there before. We went inside and surprise! He wasn’t expecting me. He kissed me and whether or not Vish was surprised I couldn’t tell, but he did say well done. If that was meant for me, Telis or both of us, again, I couldn’t tell.
We bantered for a bit until I had to leave; I couldn’t stay for long, 15 minutes max and I was out of there. I went to meet my friend and we ate a massive meal then went to an improv show. Afterwards, we grabbed drinks and chatted for a bit. It was nice. I saw that he was at a stage in his life where he needed good and honest people around him and it made my heart happy that I could be one of those people to him. I made a new friend that night.
Sometime past midnight I found myself at Telis’ place. I promised myself that I wouldn’t stay, that I’d go home at 4:27am, because why not? It was good a time as any. As I was leaving his place that morning, I checked the time and it was 4:22am – close enough. If my life wasn’t dramatic already, then it was to find its place below ‘DRAMA’ in the dictionary that night. I was slightly tipsy with a belly full of food. I bounced around his place, jumped on his bed, just did general silly things and right on cue, when at my most buoyant, my life took a turn for the worse.
Over-consumption is a thing, and when you have a stomach as small and as intolerant as mine, too much food can become a problem. And it did.
I suddenly felt sick. Something had to come out from somewhere, I didn’t care where, just not while I was at Telis’ place. I wanted to go home. I had to go home. I was not going to embarrass myself. But the body wants what the body wants, and the food in my stomach needed an out. I ran to his bathroom and locked the door behind me, because I knew he’d follow me and I threw up quite excessively in his toilet. I felt better almost immediately but I tasted disgusting. Telis gave me his travel toothbrush to brush my teeth with, which I took gratefully.
That night tested me. We found ourselves in a dance of passion and constraint. I wanted him but I didn’t. Kiss me, but don’t. Touch me, but not too much. Be a part of me, but not today. I was emotionally exhausted by my own back and forth. I was in and out of myself. I wanted everything and nothing at the same time. I was comfortable in his arms but my own rules were nagging at me, ’Go home Dera, you shouldn’t be doing this.’ We should have been asleep but I over-complicated something that shouldn’t have been so hard and so as with every situation where I feel conflicted, I did what I do best – I ran away. Telis walked me home and I was in bed by 5am.
Saturday, 10am and a phone call from Ashton woke me up. I’d agreed to hand out flyers for our local comic book shop. I was so tired. My lack of sleep left me feeling more dead than alive. For an hour, Ashton and I stood on the streets of Deraland handing out flyers to the general public. It was pretty fun and despite my fatigue I was happy to be out and about doing something meaningful. Telis came to join us after a while, and I was delighted to see him and Ashton getting along.
After my vomit adventure of the night before, I was committed to staying away from food and alcohol for the whole day – only water was allowed. The afternoon was young and Telis, Ashton and I went to a bar where we spent the afternoon chilling, chatting and enjoying the sun – me mostly trying to stay awake. Telis then became persistent that I should have something light to eat. We went together to buy me some bread and butter and a banana. I love bread and butter. Ashton’s girlfriend also joined us and we had a potential double date in front of us. It was a fun afternoon, then we went our separate ways – Telis and I and Ashton and his girlfriend.
I was back at Telis’ place and in his bedroom. We started watching Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood as it’s my favourite anime. We got through the first episode but successive episodes had no chance of being watched. We were distracted by each other and things kept escalating. We kissed each other, he touched me, I touched him – he came all over me. We took a shower. He cooked for me. Back to bed. We kissed each other. He touched me. I touched him. It was a cycle. Tension grew.
But sometimes I wasn’t there. I was somewhere in my head questioning everything. Were we moving too fast? Should we be doing this? When am I going to go home? Am I going to be wrong about him? We kissed each other. He touched me. I touched him. Our bodies were responsive to one other. But my mind was closed. My body knew what I wanted even whilst my brain refused it. But what’s passion without the mind being in sync with the body?
I needed to slow things down. We started watching a movie. Somehow I’d fallen asleep in his arms but I hadn’t realised. Then I was suddenly awake. In my delirium I spoke about pizza and our potential power couple status. I told him that we’d be a power couple because we both worked hard for what we wanted. Then I drifted straight back into sleep. Until 10 minutes later when I jumped up because I had to teach him how to dance salsa and bachata ahead of the following day’s class. I was in such a drowsy state that the talk of pizza and power couple was forgotten until he reminded me the day after. I still don’t fully remember it and I’m not sure what prompted it either.
I was too comfortable where I was and made the decision to sleep over. I was worried. Sleeping next to new people is something I struggle with. I get really anxious and my heart races throughout the night. I was already so tired and a night filled with heart palpitations just wasn’t what I needed, but I stayed over anyway.
And I slept like a fucking baby.
I was calm. At peace. It was effortless. But then I got woken up at 6am because someone called my phone. With that came the heart palpitations – every morning when my alarm rings it causes my heart to speed up, I don’t know why. But I thought that now that I was awake and my heart was misbehaving that I wouldn’t be able to get it to slow down. I thought my awareness of Telis next to me would keep me in a state of anxiety for the rest of the morning. But soon I was relaxed and lost in deep slumber.
When I woke up the second time, I wondered how I had slept so well. It made no sense to me. My anxiety always got the better of me and sleep became a fallacy. In fact, how had I managed to fall asleep while lying on his chest? It’s something that’s never happened. I can’t sleep while being touched and yet, that morning, during my second attempt at sleep, I drifted away with Telis’ arms around me.
After what happened, I began to understand what he meant when he said that I was becoming his peace of mind. Because I felt the same way. Subconsciously, I was already so comfortable with him. Subconsciously, I had no reason to worry. Subconsciously, it was effortless to be so at peace with him. But my conscious mind had its own opinions.
We spent the whole of Sunday morning and most of the afternoon in bed. Again, we kissed each other. He touched me. I touched him. We had sex.
He felt so good. He was inside me and I wanted him there. There were no regrets.
He asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yes.
I went to salsa class, he went to meet some friends. We came back together in the evening and that’s when my self-doubt came out to play. I’d done it again. I’d moved too fast. Everything I said I wouldn’t do I did. I stayed over. I slept with him. I wasn’t #SingleForAYear. I wanted things to be different and yet here I was doing things all wrong. Now it was just a countdown to everything being ruined. Everything I felt for Telis went out of the window. My emotions left me. All I had was this whisper that spelled out my impending doom. What if I was wrong to do everything that I did? What if I’d find myself miserable again? I’d fucked up.
Maybe it was better for me to be alone. It wasn’t fair to take him on my rollercoaster of indecision. He deserved better. He had to go. I had to go. I’d really fucked up.
But he told me he wasn’t going anywhere.
So I said I’d walk away. And he let me. But I couldn’t.
I couldn’t. I was drawn to him. Drawn to his kindness. His heart. His ability to put me at ease with myself. I wasn’t crazy to him. He understood me. He was a safe space.
He was home.
I asked for him. When I was at my saddest and most lonely, I asked for him. When it seemed like life didn’t want me to have the very thing I’d forever craved for, I asked for him. Even when the sun was shining and I was filled with joy, I asked for him. He’s everything.
Of course I couldn’t walk away.
But whilst I know this, I’m doubting myself. I’m doubting everything that I believed. And that scares me. There’s nothing worse than not being able to trust yourself.
Anyway, we ended the night at my place. We talked, it was easy, like usual. Then he went home.
I’m at a place where my feelings are hiding. I know what would happen if I gave myself to him wholeheartedly. I’m not ready for that. So even though things may have moved faster than I wanted, I’m still going to be cautious with my heart.
* * *
I’m hosting a meetup today! To be honest, I’ve been so distracted by my life that I haven’t been able to properly get excited by it. I have a few friends coming and Telis too. I told him he can’t keep kissing me because I’m hosting and it would be inappropriate! Haha!
I met a few of his friends this weekend actually. And he met a few of mine. I’m excited for him to one day meet Tank and Junior. Maybe he’ll meet Tank today if Tank decides to show up.
I have 26 people RSVP’d to today’s meetup, including +1s. So far, it’s been consistently well received. And people are coming back, which I’m pleased about as it means I’ve created an environment where they feel comfortable enough to return to.
Generally things have been going well. I’m in a new relationship. I’m about to buy an apartment, I have my driving test in two weeks which also means that I could be buying a car soon, my meetup is growing, I have friends. Everything is great!