It only took five weeks but my period is here. Finally!
Time to get pregnant again. We’ll be transferring one of my frozen embryos in about two weeks. I hope this one goes the full distance, I really don’t want to miscarry again.
Looks like this one will be due in May, which will be ok I suppose. I wanted to celebrate my 30th and baby shower together this November but I suppose I’d have to have a baby shower in March next year and do a joint celebration for Telis’ birthday or our wedding anniversary instead. Or it could just be a baby shower celebration full stop. Or maybe a belated 30th celebration? I don’t know. Either way, I’m celebrating this baby. With a May due date, we may even be able to host it outdoors in our garden! I’ll hire table and chairs and celebrate with friends and family – that’ll be nice.
It still hurts when I think about it. I should be 16 weeks but now I’m back to zero and will have to go through all the first trimester woes again. It feels very unfair but I’d do it all over again to take home this next baby.
I just think of my life and I don’t know if I did something to deserve any of this. If all our attempts of having a child is futile because it’s not written in my future. I want to be hopeful and imagine the life of my dreams, but how can I? Everyone and their dog has no issue conceiving. So many people will never worry about getting pregnant, staying pregnant and having children. They’re truly the lucky ones. It must be nice taking a trip aboard and not worrying that the flight will impact your pregnancy. It must be nice going for a walk and not worrying that an elevated heart rate will impact your pregnancy. It must be nice being eight weeks along and never wondering if you’ll ever meet your baby. There’s just no doubt. You’re pregnant and that’s that.
And now I can’t even enjoy being pregnant. That’s been spoilt for me. I can’t enjoy trying to conceive, what’s next? I won’t enjoy motherhood?
Gah! I don’t think I’m ready to deal with the impending anxiety that’s going to be my life from now on. Great…