I’ve started practising mindfulness. I realise now that I overthink too much and it leads to anxiety and then eventually me spiralling.
Today has been a good day. I barely remunerated over anything. In fact, Igor and I had an argument but I decided I didn’t want to focus on it, so I got out of my head and paid attention to myself and my surroundings and was able to just let it go without it impacting my mood. I was very happy today. I felt like myself. So it was great!
This is the first time in a long time that I’ve felt in control of myself. Not having conflicting thoughts flying around in my head, not fighting a daily war with myself. It gets tiring. So I’m happy that I could just be. Really and truly.
Igor and I are staying friends which is fine. We’re are ridiculously incompatible. Well not ridiculously, but our personalities don’t mesh so well romantically. I deduced that he has an ESFJ personality type and that it can be difficult for relationships to work with ENFPs like me. I think we just struggle to understand each other.
I’ve decided to finally stop analysing why Igor and I failed. I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re just not compatible. And that’s finally put my mind to rest. I guess I can say I have closure now.
But it’s fine. Personality types aren’t everything. As long as there’s communication and respect. But our communication during conflict sucks! But now I know never to get with someone like him in the future. You live and you learn.
I video chatted with Cymric for like 2 hours on Tuesday. It was nice. I even started dancing on camera for him. I was just having fun and he was having fun watching me. There was a lot of flirting but I want to stay wary because I don’t want to project any feelings onto him, you know? When meditating and clearing my mind, I find that maybe I’m not all that into him. See I say this now, but overthinking Dera will try to find contradictory examples of romantic gestures directed towards him. But no. I’m not going to think about it. He’s just a friend, and just a friend he’ll stay until things start to progress romantically, if ever.
Yesterday I was a little sad because I felt that I’d maybe never be happy in a relationship. I felt that I’d never be satisfied and I should have maybe settled for my exes because they were good guys.
But through trying to see things logically, I think that maybe if I met a guy I could tolerate and could tolerate me, I’d be ok. As long as I don’t feel unwanted (i.e. my ex fiancé) or misunderstood (i.e. Igor) I’d be ok. I find guys who aren’t as emotionally expressive more endearing. But I still need them to be emotionally open with me. I need depth in my relationships. I don’t want a friendship. So these things are a must.
I’m actually feeling much more comfortable in my aloneness. I’m liking the prospect of being single and enjoying some well needed me time. Today I cooked for myself and enjoyed every forkful of it. For once I’m present and living life in the real world – not in my head. And I’m not so sad about Igor. I think being with him was emotionally draining for me because I wanted it to work so bad but it just wasn’t and that caused me major overthinking and anxiety. When I’m with the right person, it’ll feel less tasking on my mind and I’ll feel at peace.
I really did think Igor was my forever person but maybe he was just a rebound. Meh, life goes on. Next time I’ll choose more wisely.
If I was to be practical and choose a partner practically, I’d go for my ex fiancé, Cymric, or at least someone like them, but if I want a fairytale where everything is magical, where sparks fly and birds sing, then I’d have to sit tight and wait for my Prince Charming to come riding along.
But unfortunately, life isn’t a fairytale…