Yesterday’s meetup was a pleasant and intimate affair. There was 16 of us in total and we all had a great time. People were talking to each other, we played games, threw around banter and generally had fun. The venue provided free nibbles and I spoke with their head chef and marketing guy on ways we could work together. They’re very keen on having us back and have said they’d be happy to cater to our requirements. I’m really excited about it all.
Telis showed up. He was great. He got involved and spoke to every person there. He stayed right until the end with me and his support was very much appreciated. Ashton, like usual, was a good friend. He brought his girlfriend and another +1. I feel so happy to have good people in my life. It makes what I do easier.
I stayed over at Telis’ last night. I find that I really struggle with getting aroused. I feel so closed off from myself that I don’t know how to reach the point where I can fully let go. We tried to have sex but my mind was abuzz with the day’s events. Then we spoke for a bit and tried again. I was getting wet but it didn’t feel like it was enough, plus my mind kept questing for anxiety-inducing thoughts. Then I opened up to him about some of my insecurities and fears. Then I was finally able to let go. And I wanted him to be in me. Third time lucky. It was great.
Talking to him really helps dispel my fears. He understands me more than anyone I’ve ever met. I feel like I can talk to him about anything and not fear his rejection. He’s so lovely to me. And that makes it evermore easier to bare myself to him. I’m definitely still very guarded and I don’t want to get ahead of myself.
I find myself questioning my attraction to him. Am I attracted to him? I can’t tell. My emotions are still in a state of limbo that I’m not sure what I feel for him at the moment. I’m so consumed in my fears that my emotions have become tertiary. I don’t want to interpret it as me not liking him because I know that’s wrong. I sleep so peacefully next to him. I feel safe and its nice being with him.
But I want to feel the excitement I felt in the beginning. The passion and fire. I don’t know why I get so much in my own way. It’s frustrating. And it’s not fair.
Last night, Telis deduced that because I’m so hard on myself, I broke my own heart. He said my past relationship with Jomi wasn’t bad and it didn’t end terribly, but it was my anger at and disappointment in myself that broke me more than anything. He’s right. It was I who hurt me more than anything. It was I who caused me to spiral into darkness. And now I’m suffering for it. The thing is, I’m PTSD’ing so hard that I can’t even remember the dark moments. I can’t remember how I felt, I just remember it was terrible, I wasn’t myself after it and I don’t want to go through it again.
I spoke with Ashton’s girlfriend about Telis. She really likes him. She says he’s a lovely person and was very pleased when I said I was his girlfriend now. I concur.
* * *
I’m scared that I’ve gotten into a relationship that isn’t right for me. Is it too late to walk away? I don’t want to drag this on further than what it needs to.
I’ve made a decision to terminate the relationship. It’s not right for me. It doesn’t feel right to me. He doesn’t feel right for me. He likes me a bit too much and it’s moved way too fast. I know I fucked up with controlling the pace but I need to listen to my intuition.
I don’t like how in only three weeks, I’ve become almost everything to him. He’s made me feel good and I’ve loved the safety that I’ve felt in him but it’s still early and so it’s normal to still be a bit guarded. I understand he probably hasn’t fully opened up to me either but I don’t think we’re at a point where I should be given something of such weight. It’s all too heavy for me.
Tomorrow, I’ll see him and have a face to face conversation. He’s lovely but this is getting intense for me. This isn’t me running away. It’s not fear either. It just doesn’t feel right, that’s all.
Maybe my feelings have gone because I have no feelings. When it comes down to it, am I really attracted to him?
I should trust myself.