I’m anxious. Ridiculously so. I want to cry. I want to feel something. Remember when I used to get emotionally numb? It’s like that again, except I feel even more detached from myself. Like I’m in a relationship but I’m not really feeling the warmth of being held or the happiness that comes with gifted roses.
I don’t know why I feel so deadened. It’s frustrating for me because I translate that to me not feeling anything for my boyfriend and yet I do know I like him, on a logical perspective. But my emotions don’t seem to compute.
I don’t know what to do. I’m seriously considering getting help. I don’t even know what I’m fearing. I don’t know what I’m so scared of. I know I’ve been hurt, but where does this deep anxiety stem from? Who or what hurt me so badly that I can no longer be in tune with my own emotions. I hate this numbness.
I can’t breathe. I just want to take myself out of the situation.
I snapped at Telis today and told him that he kisses me too much. He’s a lovely guy. So sweet. I just don’t know how to like him. I don’t know how to do anything. I feel so lost in my own self. I don’t know how to get out. I don’t know a lot of things.
I should keep typing and perhaps whatever is going on deep inside my psyche will reveal itself. Whatever damage has been done will come to light.
Where do I start? Before, it used to be the hurt that my ex, Jomi, wrought on me but I think what Igor did was even worse. And I know I’m blaming these guys but it probably wasn’t even them. It was more how they made me feel about myself. They weren’t horrible to me but they both impacted my self perception in a big way.
Jomi allowed me to feel like I was sexually defunct and Igor made it seem like it was a terrible thing for me to be myself. In both instances I believed in a forever. With all my heart, I believed in that forever. But that forever never came perhaps I’m tired of believing in forever. Because if I choose forever I’ll be stuck with a person who makes me feel less than.
But Telis isn’t like that. He makes me feel like I’m the best thing to ever happen to him. But believing in a forever is so hard. I want to view my world and my life with rose tinted glasses but I’m just too detached from my own being to believe in it all.
I have allowed myself to spiral so far down into darkness. And they’ve been horrible. And being in a relationship will somehow always correlate to that darkness and maybe understanding that the two are exclusive will allow me to feel.
Or maybe I just need to cry. I remember that helped in the past. Crying. Sometimes I feel like I’m on the verge of tears but I never seem to cross that precipice. I just feel like there’s so much pent up something, I don’t know what it is. Perhaps hurt, or maybe anger? Or just helplessness.
My walls have come done at least once, and when they have, my relationship has felt magical. Sex has felt magical. But I don’t want to hurt myself again.
I can’t breathe. My breath feels restricted.
I can’t breathe.