It was my motherfucking birthday and I’m 25 bitcheeeezzzz.
To be honest, I don’t feel any different. I don’t know why I’m surprised, I half expected my hips, back and whole body to break the moment midnight struck, but like with every birthday, I feel exactly the same as the previous day.
So much as happened though! I went away to Amsterdam for my birthday week and it was nice to just get away from the everyday hustle of life. I definitely was having some Igor withdrawal symptoms but some space is good.
I tried weed for the first time, and let me tell you, it goes straight to your head. Literally. It was like a complete mindfuck. So different to getting drunk. It’s like your sanity is partially intact and there’s self-control but all you want to do is laugh. And I laughed and kept laughing and even when I was sad, I laughed and yes, I was sad. On my birthday week. Can you believe it?! Why?
Because my mother told my exes mother about his porn addiction and I got a lovely message from him about how I’ve once again screwed up his life.
Fuck.
Apparently I’m vindictive and it’s all my fault because I’m always out to get him. To be honest, I’m done defending myself. Everything I’ve ever done has been with his best interest in mind. I told my mother about his addiction while we were still together because I had no idea how to navigate the situation and so I wanted her advice. I didn’t do it to paint him in a bad light, I had no reason to do that, I was engaged to him and loved him, but the situation was beyond me and on top of all my anxiety and stress I had to somehow fix his shit and it was overwhelming and all I wanted was for my mother to help me.
Obviously he thinks I told my mother to get back at him but it was never like that. I was ready to support him through his battle with his addiction – I even paid for his counselling sessions. I championed him despite how it made me feel and I’m vindictive?
He can fuck himself. I’m done having to explain myself to him. He’s my ex, whether he likes me or not is none of my business. My mother, however, shouldn’t have said anything to the poor guy’s mother.
I’m fucking angry at her.
Such a violation of trust. I mean, if you’re going to tell someone, don’t tell his fucking mother! She said she did it to defend me because she didn’t want his family to blame me for breaking the relationship for no reason. But there was a fucking reason! I wasn’t happy and it had an insignificant amount to do with his addiction. Why him and I broke up isn’t anyone’s business, not my mothers and not his. There was no reason for them to be discussing our shit. I’m sure my ex has already given his mother his own version of the truth. She should have accepted it, regardless of whether he pinned the blame on me or not, and move on. Fuck!
I’m frustrated. I’ve just gotten into a new relationship. I don’t need ex-relationship drama. I’ve already told Igor what’s going on but it wouldn’t be right to get him involved so I have to deal with this shit by myself. Anyway thankfully it’s been dealt with. After being called vindictive and other names, I told him never to contact me again and if he has any grievances he should go directly to my mother – cos it’s her fault not mine! I’m tired of blaming myself for everything. It’s draining.
With him, I’m always blaming myself because everything is “always my fault”. But the way that I’ve acted with him has been a result of how he made me feel in the relationship. He says I always want things from him too quickly; marriage, kids, this, that and the other, but I’ve just never felt wanted by him and so as a result I thought getting married, starting a family would change the horrible gut feeling I had that something wasn’t right with us. But even after he put a ring on my finger, I didn’t feel better, in fact, I only felt worse and actually didn’t want to get married anymore. I wasn’t trying to rush him into anything, I just wanted to feel closer to him, but he’s such a fucking closed door that that’s something marriage and kids wouldn’t change. I wish I’d realised that sooner.
He really brings out the worst in me. In fact right now, the thought of him is getting me so angry and I wish I could say some really mean things to him but he’s the past and anything I do or say now won’t make life better for either of us. I’m just going to let this one go and hope I never have to run into him again, except for at mutual friend’s events, bleh.
I borderline think I gave Igor an STD – yup, let’s welcome back my blame mentality. OK, I got tested in October because I fucked some guy in September and the condom came off, drama drama, and everything came back all clear. Then I slept with another guy in October but we didn’t use protection so now I’m stressing and worrying that I’m contaminated and I gave Igor something. I’m going to leave work early today and get myself tested or else I’ll end up driving myself crazy with worry. Let’s just see how this develops. I’m intrigued to see how this plot twist will unfold in this crazy comedic shit show that’s my life.
When I worry, I tend to go into myself and I’m ridiculously subdued but I think that I can hide it well but apparently I can’t because Igor can read me like a book and it’s annoying. I’m very in tune with other people’s emotions but being with someone who’s just as intuitive sucks because I can’t hide my own feelings. I like reading people, but I’m not so sure about how I feel about people reading me. I think maybe it’s good? Because maybe it’ll stop me from keeping things to myself and letting problems escalate in my mind. I do that a lot. I struggle with speaking out in case I get judged or hurt someone’s feelings but Igor gets it out of me. So I think maybe it is good. Him forcing me to communicate and me knowing he won’t judge me is nice. He’s nice. I really like him.
He’s good for me. I think he’s what I need. Not in a “my life depends on him” kind of way. But he has a personality that helps cancel out all the bad I think of myself. I can be self-deprecating and I put a lot of pressure on myself but he eases all my crazy thoughts when my worrying goes into overdrive. He’s amazing. I still think he thinks that I don’t genuinely like him but the thing is, I like him a lot. There’s just a lot going on in my head sometimes, like, “did I give him a STD?”, and that can stop me from being present. But I’m 100% with him.
Another thing to think about and that definitely needs to be discussed is our interracial relationship. It’s not something we can ignore. As much as I’d like to think we’re living in a perfect world where prejudice doesn’t exist, the fact of the matter is that it does and we’re are going to face a lot of it, from our families and from people who don’t even know us. It might not be the right time in our relationship for the conversation but it must eventually be addressed. It’s important.
I’ve said enough for one day. I’m sleepy and I’m not feeling too optimistic, especially since I’ll need to make my way over to the sexual health clinic later on today and stick a fucking swab up my vagina.
– – – – – – Late night update – – – – – –
I need to write out how I’m feeling because there’s no one to talk to.
I’m very upset and some anger has also been added into the mix. My ex reached out to me again to apologise, and kinder words were exchanged and things concluded amicably between us. He’s a good guy. Despite the hurt he must be going through, he can see through his pain enough to be nice to me. That takes a lot. And so I’m hurting for him. And I’m angry at my mother for inflicting such pain, pain that I’m feeling too because I care about him and he doesn’t deserve this!
We ended months ago but now our whole “being happy” foundation has been uprooted and it’s so annoying, especially since we’re both moving on or have moved on with our lives. I’m so angry at my mother because I was doing well, I was happy. That relationship was in the past and I am with someone who I can genuinely see a future with.
This of course isn’t just about me but it affects me and I’m so mad. Me breaking up with my ex must have shattered his world. That’s the worst that I wanted to do to him. But my mother’s just added fucking water to the sodium that’s his life. I can’t even imagine how he’s feeling right now. I want to cry for him. I’m going to cry. It’s not fair that he has to go through this. He’s had such an unfair life, he doesn’t need this. He doesn’t fucking need this! Man I’m angry. I’m angry on his fucking behalf.
Why does life have to fuck with him so much? I want to make it better but I don’t know how. I want to tell him that it’s ok, I’ve got him. I want to protect him from the hurt but I fucking can’t. I can’t do anything. I have no jurisdiction. All I can do is apologise and walk away. And it sucks.
My heart hurts for him. My eyes weep for him. And my blood definitely boils for him. We may not be together anymore, but fuck with him and I’m coming for you. He doesn’t deserve this.
Now I must cry myself to sleep. Goodnight.