I’ve been feeling anxious for the past two days, so much so that I’ve been suffering from bouts of diarrhoea. I feel terrible. And I want to say that I can pinpoint exactly why I’m feeling like this but I really can’t.
There’s probably just so much going on with me that it’s not really a single thing that’s causing it.
Maybe it’s because I’m hosting 30 people tomorrow at my event. Or because I have to walk into a church full of people I don’t know. Or maybe I’m a little worried about mine and Tank’s little spat. Or perhaps this whole notion of being single for a whole year is scaring me.
It might not be any of these or it could be all.
But yes, Tank and I had a thing yesterday. I sent him the synopsis I wrote on my life and he said I should ‘do more write less’. I told him right there, no, that I like writing and it keeps me grounded. Then I went on to tell him how much I actually do, like what more does he expect from me? I told him I sit at my desk every night to write my business plan, I go to the gym, I run and organise events, I’m searching for a house, I create YouTube videos, I go to church, I go to salsa classes, like really, what more did he want me to do?
I then continued, saying, all because I may not put in my 100% at the company we both work at, it doesn’t mean I’m not putting it in elsewhere. The areas where he likes to work hard are different to mine but that by no means negates my hard work because it’s different to his. I go to work and then I come home and do more work and he goes to work then does nothing after. And so he shouldn’t paint me with his own brush.
He replied, ‘alright Dera’. Then a few hours later, he sent me a video of him at a social gathering and told me, ‘I do stuff I just don’t share’. Then I replied, ‘like socialising? Well done’. Then he again recounted, ‘I do it all the time I just don’t share’, then I said, ‘I’m happy for you’.
I’m not sure what to make of all that happened. It’s probably not what’s bothering me. But I do need to make sure we’re ok. I’ll call him later.
I know, 100%, that I’m worried about tomorrow’s meetup. I’ve ventured into unfamiliar territory and I’m a bit apprehensive. I want to believe that it’ll be a huge success but all I can do is wait and see.
I also reached out to Cymric. I gave him an update on my life. I’m no longer reeling from the “rejection”. The Italian asked me out again. I was at the gym (or rather I was still at home ignoring his message until I remembered I had to go to the gym). Anyway I went to the gym and I got sexy. Last time I did that whole gym thing, I saw noticeable changes in my body after 2 months. Back then, I lost so much fat. It was amazing. So I’m hoping in two months time, I can wear my high waisted skinny jeans without my belly spilling over.
I need to meditate. My stomach feels so uncomfortable and I want to leave for church soon so I need to feel better.