There was definitely a lot of apprehension on Saturday. More so from Telis than me. I was like, ‘just chill, they’ll email us with our numbers” but Telis couldn’t wait and I eventually gave him permission to ask.
He saw the email before I did but once I head, “YES! YES! YES!” I knew it could only be good news, but there’s good and then there’s great news. I’m definitely pleased but I’m trying not to get too ahead of myself with excitement, they still need to form blastocysts.
But, from 17 eggs collected, 15 were mature and 12 fertilised.
I-
Yeah.
I want to say more but I fear the jest of the universe. I haven’t prayed at all. Nor have I said “I hope” or “I wish”. I try to keep any good or positive thoughts and feelings repressed. I know the moment I put it out into the universe I’ll get the complete opposite to what I want. So I’ve asked for nothing and hoped for nothing. There’s no happiness to be found in the little bit of good that happens to me.
If my embryo transfer is successful, at what point will I be able to be glad about it? After 12 weeks? 9 months? The moment I open my mouth or my mind about it, I’m sure it’ll all go wrong. If I get ahead of myself and take bump progression photos, or download an app to track my growing fetus, will that destroy all chances for me? Will I lose my baby(-ies) again?
It feels like a double edged sword either way I look at it. I’m too happy, something goes wrong, I blame myself. I’m too miserable, nothing goes wrong, I miss out on my pregnancy.
Ok, but I just want to know where he found 17 eggs from and how 15 managed to be mature. My spreadsheet does not show 15 potentially mature oocytes! I’m not complaining, I’m definitely pleased but what magic did he work on my ovaries?! Maybe this is the power of no-prayer.
Anyway, Thursday is blastocyst update day. Let’s see how that goes.