I’m stressed. I just know it. All the typical symptoms have manifested themselves; daily headaches, misbehaving sinuses, stomach pains. I hate this.
And because of how mentally distant I am, Igor has clocked on that there’s something wrong with me and he assumes it’s because of him. I didn’t anticipate past relationship drama and I don’t know how to deal with it while I’m in another relationship. I need to let go of this stress and go back to being present. I don’t know if writing it out would help.
I really feel like I’ve gone backwards with the progress I’ve made. I had moved on enough to not even think about my ex. Moved on enough for previously sentimental objects to evoke no emotion. Moved on enough to pursue a new relationship. But here I am again, wondering if he’s still hurting because of me, which he probably is. My mother told me that his mother said that he had cried down the phone to her because I’d left him. He never cries. But I made him cry and it breaks my heart. Obviously that shows that he really did love me and wanted me but he still never fought for me. I’m not here to ask ‘what if’ questions because there’s is no going back – I do not want him. But maybe I need to remind myself that breakups do suck, feelings get hurt and tears are just inevitable. I cried. I cried during the relationship and after it was over. I cried a lot. He caused me sadness. Maybe I need to understand that it’s part and parcel of heartbreak and not to blame myself.
But I do care about him. I was with him for five years. My regard for him just doesn’t go away overnight. So how do I stop being stressed? All that relationship ever does is stress me. It’s tiring and depressing. I was happy. I just can’t keep letting it affect me. This is my mother’s fault. I didn’t need her to rehash everything. But here I am again, back to where I started. Maybe I shouldn’t be with Igor right now? Maybe I need to deal with my past before focusing on my future.
This is not fair. But hopefully identifying that I’m stressed will help alleviate the symptoms.
Let’s see how my day goes.
* * *
So I’ve spoken to Robin about it and he assured me that nothing is my fault. I feel much better. I just hate coming across as dramatic even though I definitely am. I’m just someone who wears their heart on their sleeves and I can’t really hide how I’m feeling.
I find that when I’m consumed by sadness and worry, that it’s probably best to be given space. I usually get over something quickly when given the chance to process it. But Igor and I are still learning about each other so there will be times when we don’t understand each other.
We had a little argument yesterday. But all is well!! We both seem to get over things pretty quickly and at least we’re communicating so that’s good. I’m trying to be more vocal about my dislikes with a person instead of keeping them in and letting them fester.
I borderline just want to be single because it’s much easier being alone than being imperfect for someone. Having to showcase your ugly isn’t fun. Especially when you really like someone and want them to see you as the perfect angel you are. I get paranoid that he’ll stop liking me because I’m too [insert negative characteristic here] or I’m too [insert another negative characteristic here]. But nobody’s perfect so I shouldn’t expect perfection from myself. Dating is hard, man!
The truth is, I don’t fully believe I’m in a relationship. It’s strange being with someone new and calling them your boyfriend. It’s still something I’m adjusting to and what makes it even more interesting is the interracialness of our relationship. Like I’m actually dating a white guy. And even to me that’s strange. But really, being with someone who isn’t my ex is hard. Being intimate, sharing yourself, doing all that boyfriend/girlfriend stuff is so different to what I’ve become accustomed to. But like Robin said, I need to take each day as it comes. There’s no point trying to conform to the ideals I formed in my previous relationship because Igor is completely different to my ex. If anything, he’s very similar to me. And it’s weird.
Also I’ve quit sex. See, I say that but I’ll probably be fucking him before I’ve even finished writing this sentence. It is true, however. Even though I probably don’t have an STD, I’d rather stay away from sex to be sure. My results from the clinic should arrive in the next two weeks so here’s hoping I haven’t contracted anything. And if I have, well then fuck me. I’m staying celibate for life.
I’m happy again! I’m putting all my ex drama in the past! I think writing and talking to Robin and Sana (my best friend) about it made me feel better. Igor actually told me I need to stop blaming myself for things, that I’m naïve and should stick up for myself and my beliefs. Maybe he’s right. I can be too critical of myself and I’m always trying to save face/preserve people’s opinions of me but maybe it is ok to be a bit psycho. To be honest, my ex was a bit manipulative and I guess that did fuck me over a bit. Because he was always the victim and I the perpetrator. But we mustn’t talk about him anymore. He’s the past. Igor is my future and I’m going to work hard to not mess things up.
Today, I really want to be present with Igor. Show him that I’m here with him. Since I got back from Amsterdam, I’ve been so consumed in my own guilt and hurt that I just haven’t had time to shower him with the affection he deserves. I want to do something nice for him. Maybe I’ll cook him dinner. Then we can have seeeeex! Except I’m vaginally contaminated even though I’m probably not, so we’ll see.