I could get used to this.
The warmth.
My barriers are definitely coming down. Slowly. Although it could just be my intoxication. I have a lot to think about and a lot of decisions to make. My psycho landlady has given me two months’ notice to move out. I don’t really want to talk about it, but I am annoyed. So last night, alcohol was my chosen poison.
I was feeling so down that I walked out of my house at 10pm. Strolled 30 minutes to the supermarket. Bought one bottle of Jack Daniels and another bottle of Captain Morgan, some cups and ice cream. Then left. Telis met me on my way and we walked back to his place. I poured myself a nice cup of rum and indulged in my alcoholism.
I don’t think I was drunk, but I do recall asking Telis to shave my hair off. I also said I can’t wait for him to meet my parents, then I think I tried to backtrack because that was creepy AF. I don’t remember the intricacies of last night, as in, my reasons for doing and saying some of the things I did but Telis was still there when I woke up this morning, so I haven’t scared him off. I’ll have to have him remind me of the other things I may have said.
There are so many life changing decisions I need to make, and it’s about finding the time to separate them from the big mush of everything that’s going on in my brain. But one step at a time. I know I can overwhelm myself if I don’t deal with things properly.
But this year it’s looking like I’ll be buying a house, buying a car, changing jobs, potentially quitting YouTube, starting a clothing line and maintaining a relationship. These are big things. None of these are light decisions and so I need to take my time with them.
My most immediate priority is finding a new place to rent. But in the meantime, I also have driving lessons and my driving test coming up. After that I’ll need to decide on whether or not to buy a car. But it’s more likely that I won’t be doing that. Public transport in Deraland is good enough.
I hate making real life decisions.
Mine and Telis’ relationship is not something I spend time thinking and worrying about. I’m letting it be. I don’t want to analyse every little thought or action. It’s exhausting. But yesterday, I did go back through my journal from my time with Igor. It just made me feel so stupid. I couldn’t see how he was hurting me and all the while I blamed myself. There were many instances where I mentioned that I didn’t want to be seen as “crazy” or be misunderstood by him and normality was the thing I strived for the most. He made me feel like it wasn’t ok to be me. I feel like a total dunce.
Yet, Telis has this ability to make me feel safe and so understood. So, so understood. Do you know how nice that is? He doesn’t think I’m crazy. He likes every part of me and doesn’t expect me to be perfect or happy all the time. He takes the pressure off me and I can actually breathe. There’ve been no tears, no spiralling, no loneliness. I find it so easy to talk to him. I talk to him about everything and everyone in my life. My friends, my family, my past, my future. It’s nice.
I know I’m still guarded. Especially with sex. I get wet. But I miss that raging fire. I know it’ll come back, but my walls need to come down completely first. Apart from the whole blaming myself for not sticking to my boundaries, I feel comfortable in the relationship. Sometimes I do want to run but not because of him.
I’ve had such a massive mind block that I haven’t even tried to imagine a future with him. It wasn’t until yesterday that I was tipsy with my guards down that I actually envisioned him as a good father and someone I’d love for my parents to meet.
If I allow myself to indulge in the fantasy I think I’d inadvertently set the cogs turning and before I know it, I’d find myself face to face with a Dera in love.
* * *
I’ve a solution to half my problems; I’ll work on passing my driving test and buying a car, that way, if I haven’t found somewhere to buy, once my tenancy has lapsed, I’ll move back home to my parent’s place and commute to work from there. In the meantime, I’ll be house hunting. Once I’ve bought a house and I’m all settled, I’ll start properly looking for jobs – that’s not to say that I won’t start looking now, just not as actively.
This all hinges on me passing my test. I must pass my test!
My psycho housemate, Barney, the fucking untrustworthy, lying son of a dinosaur came at me, that I’m always slamming the door and then showing me picture evidence of myself walking away. Why he’s stalking me is beyond me.
I need to leave this house, seriously. If I could just find that perfect house to buy, I wouldn’t have to deal with this bullshit for much longer.