Migraines, stomach pains, heart palpitations, need to sit on the toilet and do a shit.
Migraines, stomach pains, heart palpitations, sitting on the toilet doing a shit.
I’m in two minds about going to work this morning. I really don’t feel well and there’s a lot of anxiety present.
Yesterday I decided in my mind that it was best for Igor and I to not be together.
His feelings were valid. In fact, the way he chose to perceive the situation was also valid, it wasn’t true, but it was valid. What wasn’t ok was how he approached me about it. I was his girlfriend, there was meant to be some trust there, even if he’d made up his mind not to believe me, at least approaching me and asking about what happened before jumping to conclusions would have been the mature thing to do.
The fact that it took as little as me having coffee with Robin at work for him to break up with me speaks volumes on how much he trusts me. I don’t need to be in that kind of relationship. I also don’t need to be with someone who makes up assumptions based on what they’ve concocted in their mind. If he’d asked me, I would have told him straight what happened. It’s not like he caught Robin and I having sex butt naked on the table.
Robin has been my friend for over two years. Before we even had sex with each other we were very good friends and we were still friends after the sex; our friendship came first. The sex was just two isolated incidents that happened because of alcohol.
Since I started seeing Igor, my interactions with Robin decreased dramatically. All the plans we’d made to hang out after work were immediately cancelled, we rarely had lunch with each other and we no longer messaged one another outside of work.
If Igor knew how platonic my feelings for Robin were, he would believe me, or at least understand.
Perhaps he never really believed I actually liked him and he was patiently waiting for me to make one false move to prove me wrong.
Whatever it is, I’m not going to even bother defending myself and my feelings for him. I’ve never liked anyone like I liked him but it was never enough. So actually I’m tired. He’s not the one for me.
In fact, coffee with Robin was so innocent. All three of us work in the same office. If I was trying to hide my secret relationship with my “fuckbuddy” I would not be publicly announcing it. I did everything out in the open. I kept our relationship within a professional setting. I don’t even spend time alone with him anymore. There has never been an instance where I ran to Robin about my emotions. On New Year’s Day when I was busy believing Igor hated me, it didn’t even occur to me to call Robin. Not even joking, I called many people but not him. On the many other occasions where shit has happened between Igor and I, Robin was never my go-to guy.
How often do I even mention Robin? Most of the time when I do talk to Robin, it’s about my ex-relationship. Shit that I can’t bring up with Igor because, well, he was my boyfriend. So I talk to Robin because he was there through everything. He knows what happened and he understands how all the past shit is affecting me.
When I spoke to Igor about my ex and how the relationship screwed me up, he brandished it as a weapon and used it against me. So you see why it’s difficult to reason with him? I mean let’s not even talk about the fact that I asked his permission before mentioning my ex because mentioning him is not something I do with a current boyfriend. I basically can’t win. So I give up. It was nice knowing him,
I’m ridiculously late for work but I’m still deciding whether or not to go in.
I’m surprisingly calm. It doesn’t hurt so much right now. But I’m trying not to think too much about it. But I think I’ll be fine.
* * *
I ended up going to work. I arrived at lunch. I saw him. Obviously didn’t acknowledge him. It’s saddening… I don’t want to be with him but it’s still saddening. I don’t feel too great. Don’t know why I came in. I’ll probably just leave again. At least I can focus on doing my own thing like I wanted. I have nothing to distract me, so silver linings and whatnot.
I’m never again convincing myself that someone is my forever-person. Intuition says forever-person. I say fuck off. Actually, why can’t I just be alone forever? It seems like an easy way to live. No third parties disrupting your emotions and daily routine. It’s great!
Aloneness is my goal for 2018. I already said it on New Year’s Day but I guess I spoke it into fruition. Yay me…! I think single suits me. It’s like wearing clothes that just fit so well. I’m going to arm myself in solitude. Carry weapons of mass isolation. I’m literally so excited for this new development. Fun times ahead!
Yes, I’m ridiculously sad. My heard hurts and I’m a bit tired, but that’s the initiation into lonesomeness. I need to go through this to truly feel alone. I will feel my feels and at the end of it I will be free.
* * *
Do you know what I think? I think he either doesn’t trust me or he has trust issues. The overreaction was uncalled for.
Anyway, I’ve spoken to my wise and sensible, highly devout Christian, never kissed a boy, never had sex, 25 year old friend, Sana. She said that if he couldn’t trust me this early in the relationship, she’s not sure he’s worth it. That it’s only been a couple of months so it’s still so early in the relationship for him to act like this. She said that he was very hasty to drop me and I shouldn’t go back to him, that what he did was immature.
I agree!
See, single for life!
Igor just asked if I wanted to take a coffee break. Stay tuned for the next episode of Best Friends with Life.
* * *
Ok, so when he messaged me yesterday he actually wrote “I am not your ex-boyfriend” but I thought it was so absurd for him to randomly bring that up so I assumed there was a typo and he actually meant “I am now your ex-boyfriend”. Oops.
He didn’t break up with me. So I guess I’m not single then… So much for all that I wrote.
See, misinterpretations happen. Anyway, we talked and laughed it out and life carries on.
* * *
All is well. I told Igor next time he needs to talk to me first. And obviously vice versa.
It’s just a shame things blew up how they did. And I genuinely thought he’d broken up with me, which would have been a very immature move. Fortunately he hadn’t and that basically changes the script. He still overreacted but that’s why it’s important for him to talk to me about issues first instead of jumping to conclusions.
I was even looking forward to some 2018 aloneness. Guess I’m stuck with this one…
I’m happy.