Things with Igor and I are completely over now. We’re not even friends. We can’t have a conversation without things escalating into a confrontation. I’ve actually given up with trying to be civil. I have nothing more to say to him and I don’t want to be his friend. I got a bit upset when he said I wasn’t the Dera he thought he knew and loved but then I realised his opinion is irrelevant and I don’t need him to like me. So now I’m over it.
I don’t think in the long term we would have worked anyway. He’s concerned about superficial things like looks and social status whereas I really don’t give two shits about how big his biceps are. Anyway I’m not here to shit on him. Let’s just conclude he’s not for me and we don’t get along as people. The end.
In more exciting and worthwhile news, I took salsa and bachata classes yesterday. It was so good. I’m out here making friends which is exactly what I need. Exciting times! I’m a natural at salsa and bachata, moving those sexy hips like I was born to dance.
I spoke to Cymric yesterday and asked him whether he’d ever get into a long distance relationship to which is strongly and abruptly replied, NO. Well, that’s fair enough. Neither would I. Maybe? I’m not sure. In this stage of my life my freedom is very important to me but I still crave the touch of someone I love.
There was major flirting (see appendix). And knowing the type of person Cymric is, he wouldn’t expend flirtatious energy on someone he didn’t see potential in. But maybe that’s just the dynamic of our friendship – key word being friendship. But I think when I see him I can clarify what sort of friendship we actually have. I see potential in us because he understands me and I understand him. I understand his boundaries and I only push as far as he’ll let me.
I remember one instance when we went to a salsa class together, sometime in 2016. He ended up getting annoyed and leaving early because there were more guys than girls in the class and he didn’t have anyone to dance with. He was so angry he wanted to go home. He’s ridiculously stubborn but somehow I managed to calm him and persuaded him to stay out and do something else with me. We eventually went to a bar where we danced the night away and it was fun. Dancing in public was something he never did before he met me but all those times, he did it for me and he enjoyed himself.
Similarly, when I’m emotional and can’t see the bigger picture he will say shit that just makes sense and I’ll take on a new perspective which will consequently calm me down. That’s why the other day when I got emotional and started telling him how I felt like I’d never be happy, even though he shut me down and told me he knew I wanted to talk and be listened to but he was tired and wanted to sleep, I wasn’t offended. He acknowledged that I wanted to be heard, which actually means a lot to me and told me we could discuss it when I came and I believe him when he says that because he will listen me and he will try to care. And that’s nice.
I’m analysing mine and Cymric’s relationship from a logical perspective but emotionally I don’t think I’m there with him, and love is bigger than logic. So although we may work on paper, in the real world he may not be for me. As a friend, he’s been great but I’m not sure I fancy him and I don’t want to force myself to either. We haven’t moved our relationship into romantic territories but if he wants to get to know me in a less than platonic way, I wouldn’t say no. I’d give it a chance.
* * *
I just finished meditating. I gained some clarity as to what is going on in my mind.
Firstly, I’m frustrated. I don’t feel it, but in my head, I’m frustrated. I’m annoyed at Igor and how things escalated. Really and truly, I don’t care whether or not he’s in my life anymore but it’s just annoying when someone cannot understand your point of view and refuses to acknowledge that people experience and deal with things differently.
Anyway I wish him well in his life.
Secondly, I feel like apologising to my ex fiancé for my behaviour. I never took ownership for my emotions and I blamed him a lot for how I felt and I feel very bad about that. He didn’t deserve all that blame and I feel like I need to apologise and let him know he was never completely at fault, I played my part too.
I’m going to write an apology message to him now. I just feel like I need him to know it was never his fault.
* * *
I’ve just sent him the message. How do I feel? Emotional but it was the right thing do.
I’m always going to strive to be the best person I can be. It’s unrealistic to have everyone like me, but I’ll still try to be a good person and know in myself that despite other people’s opinions, I am a good person and no one can change my mind about that.
Being self aware is my focus point as an individual. So here’s to growth and a more mature mindset.
* * *
Nobody wants a broken relationship but really I needed it. If I’d stayed with my ex fiancé, I would never have spotted the similar trains of thoughts that I found myself on when I was with Igor and I would have continued to forever blame my ex. Being with Igor made realise that the common denominator in both relationships was me and my unhappiness was mine and mine alone. I want to do better.
I don’t regret the heartbreak. It was worth it because now I can work on being a happier person, even when my traditional triggers present themselves.
* * *
Appendix
Mine and Cymric’s flirtatious banter
Dera: What hallucinations do you get
Dera: Images of me?
Cymric: Infinitely repeating sequences of you
Imagine how that was for me
Dera: Must have been heaven
Dera: I am the embodiment of an angel
Cymric: Angel? You don’t seem so innocent to me 😉
Dera: I’m literally the most innocent girl you know.
Dera: I can’t wait to dance salsa with you
Dera: Can you move your hips in a seductive way?
Cymric: And bachata
I didn’t know men can be seductive with hip movements…is that a thing for you?
Dera: Yessss a man who can move is always seductive
Dera: It’s definitely a turn on for me, dancing
Dera: I love it
Dera: Because I love to dance. And being able to dance with someone is like so intimate and beautiful
Dera: Do you know what else is intimate?
Dera: Reading to someone. When I read your boring economics book to you, I was like, wtf…. This is ridiculously intimate *vomit emoji*
Cymric: Is that so, then I should continue putting more work in my dancing skills
Economics is so beautiful when it’s read by a pleasant voice
Dera: Cymric, are you trying to seduce me? 😏
Cymric: I don’t need to try
Dera: Flirty flirty
Dera: But I’m not so sure I’m very seduced 😉
Cymric: It’s probably because of the fever
Dera: You can try harder in person
Dera: I expect you to spare no expense
Dera: Go all out
Dera: Show me what you’ve got
Dera: 😁
Dera: Would you ever do a long distance relationship btw?
Cymric: NO
Dera: Lmao. You’re adamant
Dera: That’s fair enough
Cymric: Why you’re asking?
Dera: Just curious
Cymric: I’m not planning on seducing you, I need to plan our schedule for fun
If this isn’t flirting then I don’t know what is.