‘Never talking to you again was something I considered and resolved to doing. I don’t want to be naive or feel like I’m putting unrealistic expectations on something that isn’t even real. Or experiences that mean only something to me.
How do I know if what I feel is not something I’ve made up in my head to believe? How do I know that these simple moments in life are something I cherish more than anything while the other person doesn’t care at all? I just don’t know. And because I’m uncertain or I believe that it’s all one-sided, I have to back away and not put myself through something that’ll hurt me.
Being with you and then not being with you hurt me more than I ever thought an experience like that would. I felt like I got a taste of what it would be like to find ‘home’. And while it was nice, so nice, what if it all meant nothing to you?
I can usually separate my feelings from sexual experiences. If I want it to, sex can mean nothing to me. But this is bigger than just sex. It wasn’t just what we did, it was everything. It was you.
And after that, us being friends, I just couldn’t see it happening. Because I knew I’d feel that loss over and over again everytime we spoke. That rejection.
For me, it’s not that we can’t be friends because of what we did, it’s more because of what you represent. To me, our shared moments, from when you were in Deraland, to when I came to Cymricland, is an empty bowl of pistachios. And you are the store and you’re closed to me. I’m never going to have pistachios again and it actually really hurts! You’re going to stay forever closed to me because who the fuck wants to give Dera pistachios?
I don’t know what I mean to you…
I wrote this in my journal in the past:
“I do wonder what he considers me. Am I just a really good friend to him? I want to say that he wouldn’t consider me a sort of friend with benefits because there’s literally no potential for us to sleep with each other on account of him being miles away, but then why would he keep me as a friend? We’re clearly not just friends. Friends don’t do rough and tumble in the bedroom. So since it’s not entirely platonic and yet we’re in no position to sleep with each other, how does our relationship benefit him?!
I’m not saying he doesn’t value me as a person or that he doesn’t like talking to me, but the person Cymric is, he wouldn’t expend energy on something or someone for no reason. I just don’t understand, that’s all. It’s like we’re friends, with added benefits, yet those benefits aren’t accessible. I guess that just makes us friends full stop.”
But really, it just makes us nothing…
I wish you meant less to me. That’s the only way I’d feel 100% comfortable keeping you in my life. But for the past 2 years, you’ve meant a lot to me. You’ve been a presence I’ve relied on. But now I have to lose you, I don’t want to, but I know it’s the right thing, because keeping you as a friend and remembering everything we’ve shared will hurt.
After what happened, I just questioned my own naivety. Was I really so stupid to put my whole trust in you like that?
And I’m not talking about what happened in bed. The whole sexual experience is a minor to me. Actions are just actions. It’s the meaning that I hold to my heart.
I just feel like I expect too much from people and I end up disappointed.
I’m just tired of being disappointed. Of feeling like I’m the only person who cares. And I’m not saying you don’t care. But I see beauty in everything, in moments shared, in words exchanged, in vulnerabilities exposed. I see it in all.
And the way I view the world leaves me so exposed because I see it all and I believe it all. And I know that how I experienced everything was probably very different to how you did, so you may never understand. But I just want you to know that you were my friend.
And it was beautiful Cym.’
‘Dera, we lived, we laughed, we “loved” – to have fun – but now, our story has come to an end.
It’s hard to come back after a message like that, I’m not so poetic like you.
I cared about our time spent together, and you really got under my skin after your weekend here. It took me a while to get used to sleeping back alone.
I’ve learned something important after you were here – how much I want to be with someone and not be physically involved with them and feel free and understood.
I didn’t give you a chance because of how unrealistic that would have been because of the situation, the distance etc. I’m too realistic and I didn’t want to complicate things and hurt feelings, that’s why I was so distant.
It’s not pleasant, but you need to move on with your life, you have a good plan, go and get what you really want for your life.’
* * *
I just wanted it to mean something to him and it did. I’m glad that, for once, it wasn’t something I made up in my head.
I’m happy to let him go now. Sometimes closure is all that’s needed.
* * *
I’m finding myself asking whether I’d move for love. Would I do that for him? For me? That’s probably taking things too far. I know I’ve said this before about other guys, that I’ve never felt this way about someone, so if I said the same about Cymric would I be kidding myself?
I feel like I don’t know how to trust myself with what’s real. But if I feel it, then it must be real right? It still is true that I’d never felt for Jomi what I felt for Igor (that sexual connection) and similarly, I never felt for anyone what I felt for Cymric (that completeness). But does me acknowledging the differences in feelings for each of these guys negate what I experienced with them? Does what I shared with Igor count for nothing because I shared more with Cymric? I don’t think so.
Cymric is what should be. But dare I say it, I truly and honestly haven’t felt for another guy what I felt for him. Truly and honestly. There’s a rawness and hunger to the pain I feel from losing him that speaks volumes to how dear I held him. Missing Jomi was like missing a very good friend. And when I found friendship again, it was easy for me to let him go. But losing Cymric, it’s like losing something real. Something rare. There was a completeness to our relationship. It was mutual. Open and honest. The friendship was there but it was deeper than that. I wanted his mind. His amazing, amazing mind. I wanted his companionship, with nothing attached to it but innocence. While at the same time craving the touch of his body. I wanted him wholeheartedly. Nothing removed.
And he felt it too, I’m not crazy. So at least that counts for something. I’ll settle for that.
* * *
I must write about this. The whole story of Cymric and I. From the beginning. It’s such a beautiful tale yet so unfortunate at the same time. It’s a real story of bad timing, missed opportunities, friendship and most importantly, finding home. Or perhaps it’s more a case of something that was never meant to be. Either way, it’ll make you believe in the romance you read in books and see in movies.
You see, I was living my own little fairytale and I didn’t know.
This whole experience, albeit brief, made mine and Jomi’s relationship look like child’s play. I shared something special with Jomi, but really, just thinking about it, there was nothing adult about it. We loved each other, yes, but where was that passion? That longing? The vulnerability? In fact, where was the honesty? We were just two kids in love and I believe, if it was Cymric I was with for five years and had broken up with, I’d have crumbled into dust.
I was distraught throughout the day, but I’m doing ok now. I definitely still need to cry it out, but where I am, I’m just happy that I was fortunate to experience something real. You know what they say, ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all’. It wasn’t love, or maybe it was, but we weren’t in love, either way, the loss of it still broke my heart to pieces.
Cymric and I both played it maturely by understanding that we couldn’t be friends anymore and accepting our fate, even though it did hurt like a bitch.
A man.
The thing that kills the most, and I said it weeks ago, was that I got a taste of something that had eluded me for so long, only to lose it straight away. But life goes on.
But there’s hope for us all…!
Anyway, when one door closes, a million windows open. One of the guys I met at my meetup created a piece of artwork for me then he asked me out to coffee. I somehow bypassed his question because #SingleForAYear. But can we just focus on the fact that he created artwork. For me! Amazing! I was so touched. I definitely needed a little boost last night after talking to Cymric. It’s just a shame I’m not really into him.
* * *
Time to write this story. *Trailing through WhatsApp messages from 2016*.