Happy birthday eve journal!
I can still remember last year like it was yesterday but a whole 364 days later and you realise life flies by way too quickly.
I’ve had some relapses. You know the type: wanting to run away, questioning everything, overthinking, etc. I think it all comes from stress. When I’m mentally exhausted or anxious the first thing I blame is the relationship and it’s always the thing I’m willing to let go of the easiest. But it’s not easy, is it?
This month has really been full of ups and downs. Nothing terrible, just annoying things really. After failing my driving test I was fuming for a good week before I gave a fuck about my next test, which I’ve booked for 19th November.
I felt better after seeing Hands Like Houses live! Hawthorne Heights opened for them so it was amazing seeing two bands that I like! Telis came with me, it was fun! I was buzzing at the end of concert! They performed ‘A Tale of Outer Suburbia’, which I love, it was so good!!
I’ve been relearning Java and been applying for entry level software engineer/developer jobs. So far, I’ve had one telephone interview with a start-up that do stuff with AR. They gave me a coding challenge to create an android application that could use the Twitter API to retrieve video tweets and auto play the videos that were visible on screen. I wasn’t able to do the auto play bit, the method completely eluded me, but I did what I could and learnt a lot, which is the most important thing.
I had a call back from another company and they invited me to an assessment day but I’ve withdrawn my application because the company reviews aren’t very good and I’d be paid very little. I’ll keep applying for jobs anyway, if the AR one doesn’t work out, then at least I’ll have some other potentials lined up.
I think my current company is trying to get rid of me. My boss and I aren’t speaking; he’s given me absolutely no work to do and HR are doing fuck all. The way things are going, they probably want me to get frustrated to the point where I quit but I want them to make me redundant. If I can get a nice pay out from them before moving on to a new company then that would be excellent. I’m playing them at their own game. Whilst I have nothing to do for them, I have loads to do for myself and I’m using my 9 to 5 to learn coding. I am frustrated, but what can I do? They’re not letting me go and there are more valuable people who work here that they’ve gotten rid of. But leaving is something I’m actively working on so soon I’ll be out of their hair.
In other news, I want to get my clitoral hood pierced. I get so little sensation down there because of how hidden my clit is that maybe I need something that will tease it out and improve sex for me. I did have good sex yesterday though. So good! I was riding Telis and using my vibrator, I’m sure I almost climaxed.
Telis has gained weight. I don’t want to sound rude and insulting but I have this preconceived notion of overweight people and I don’t want to see my own boyfriend in that light. It’s just how unhealthy they appear, I don’t like it. I come from a slim family and no one has a food complex. I’m not attracted to fat people, at all, and that’s not to say I’m not attracted to Telis, but I just don’t have to like that he’s fat. Attraction is important and thank God I still want to have sex with him but if he gets any bigger, then we might have a problem. Dare I say it, but I may just have to judge and make a decision based on someone’s physical appearance. Well, I did already, I broke up with the Igorian because he was unattractive to me, well, mostly because he was hurting me emotionally, but the lack of attraction still played a part.
I do love Telis. He’s so good to me. He’s not even ugly. I just wish he looked after himself better. I don’t even think the weight would be a problem if he dressed better. I’m such an edgy chick and sometimes I want my boyfriend to match me on the physical. There’s much potential there but I don’t want to change him and that’s where the problem comes in. If I can’t accept him for who he already is then maybe I’m not the one who’s right for him.
He met my dad! My dad approves. He does make me happy. I know I’m a miserable loser but that never comes from him, I’m just fighting my own internal battles. Being happy is hard because now it feels like nothing is good enough. My relationship isn’t good enough, my boyfriend isn’t good enough, my life isn’t good enough. Nothing will ever be good enough because I’m chasing after this all fulfilling feeling that I had before disappointment came into my life, and I don’t think I’ll ever get it back. I cried over this yesterday. It’s like, you create dreams, dreams you actually believe in, a love you actually believe in and when that fails what’s the point of anything else? My innocence has been stripped away from me, life is no longer this magical realm where everything works out. Why do I need to want something that I once had and failed at?
I know it’s stupid that sometimes my train of thought heads down this route, because for the most part, I am happy but sometimes I’m just not.
Love is a complex thing and maybe it’s just not for me.
I’m ready to launch my website. I just need to get legal advice about running an online service and the legal jurisdictions I’m under. I’m pretty excited. Everything has been set up. Even my business bank account has been approved. I’m ready to take the leap into this next stage of my life. Hopefully everything works out for me before I turn 26 at the end of the month.
I haven’t quit journaling. I’ve just been so preoccupied with many things. I’m actually using my lunch break to submit this entry. One thing that I have quit though is quitting deodorant. I’ve unquit deodorant. Being smelly is not for me. It was nice going natural for a whole month and it’s even nicer to know that 9 out of 10 times I actually don’t smell but I’m not risking it for that one day that I do.
I haven’t really slept well this week because 1) Telis keeps waking up early and 2) I’ve spent many a sleepless night doing the coding challenge. I just want to sleep in tomorrow morning. I deserve it. That coding challenge was hella stressful to be honest. They said it would only take about three hours but it took me a whole week! One night, I even went to bed at 2:30 am. I love coding but it stresses me out because it sends my brain into overdrive and I need to test all my ideas out immediately, even at 2:30 in morning.
I think moving into a new industry would be good for me. I’ve wasted three years at my current company. I’ve gained absolutely nothing and it’s just so unfulfilling, so it’s time to go.
I want to go home early and sleep but I’ll slug it out for the rest of the day.
Anyway, happy birthday eve again Journal. Tomorrow, we celebrate!