Root Cause Analysis
The Internet says I should openly communicate about why my anxiety flairs up when I’m about to have sex. I need to get to the root cause. So what is the root cause?
I need to be hella honest about everything I feel. So let’s do this.
Sex was taboo for me. To be honest my parents never really pushed that idea onto me. It was more me borderline getting raped. He fingered me and it felt good – that’s one things I’ve always been scared to admit, the fact that it felt good. Admitting it makes me feel wrong. Then he forced me down so he could have sex with me and I tried to push him off me and I couldn’t. I felt violated. I felt disgusting and I felt like it was my fault. I almost had sex unconsentedly and I felt horrid about it. And yet I enjoyed some parts of it.
I need to feel like I’m not disgusting and I do deserve to be pleasured. I feel the situation only got exacerbated through being with someone for five years who didn’t make me feel wanted. I’ve been unfortunate. But I think all of this starts with me. I need to be ok with myself. I need to look in the mirror and see a body worth loving. I need to understand that I have someone who sees me for who I am and accepts me that way. No judgement. It’s ok to have sexual desires. It’s not bad and it won’t get me raped. I need to believe this.
It really is ok to have sexual desires Dera. It’s fine. Being intimate with someone is beautiful but it should also be fun. The idea that sex before marriage is bad can fuck off. I subscribed to that notion for the longest time and it’s damageing because you feel like you’re sinning. “Sex shouldn’t be fun, sex should be beautiful always”. But actually that’s bullshit and maybe I’m always looking for that beauty in sex, that warm intensity that you’re meant to feel when making love. That’s what I expect with someone I’m dating. As opposed to the crazy, fun sex that I have with my fuck buddies. This mindset needs to change. I can have crazy, fun sex with Igor. I will have crazy, fun sex with Igor. And actually writing this out is making my vagina do things. Because I like the idea of being wild with him. I just need to stop feeling inhibited. Feeling like I can’t show him sexual openness in case he thinks I’m a hoe. Dera listen, being sexually open with someone you like does not make you a hoe. Please. I need to get out of this mindset. I know this for the truth. He doesn’t think you’re a hoe. He doesn’t… He likes you and wants you to be sexually happy.
This is important Dera. You need to understand this. Stop thinking about what should be and focus on what is.
* * *
Last night he said all he wanted to do was make me happy. I told him it wasn’t his responsibility, it was mine. And he said that it was his. He cares about me and it’s nice. He truly is an amazing soul. In fact, he’s sleeping beside me right now and I just want to kiss him.
Anywho, it’s my friend Sana’s 25th today. I’m going to go a bit up North to pay her a surprise visit.
* * *
Something in mine and Igor’s relationship changed today. In a good way. Our relationship became that little bit more serious. I obviously cannot yet say whether he’s my forever-person or not but there’s definitely a future here. He sees a future and I see a future. And it’s beautiful.
I told him about sleeping with Robin. Since I work with both Robin and Igor things could get weird, especially because Robin and I have maintained our best friendship. I can understand if Igor has concerns over me sleeping with Robin again. I won’t though. I’m ridiculously faithful.
Anyway I initiated the race talk today. It’s not something we can ignore and it’s definitely not something we can both say we don’t see. He didn’t understand why the conversation needed to be had because as long as him and I are happy, what the world thinks is irrelevant. But life doesn’t work like that. There will be people who won’t like seeing us together; strangers, friends and family. And because we are together, we will face a lot of prejudice and discrimination. I need to prepare him for that.
As a person of colour, racism is something that I’ve come to accept. It’s not a nice thing but it’s also not surprising when it does happen. Constantly being aware of the colour you are is not something Igor would have ever experienced and so I really need to give him a heads up so he knows what to expect from dating a black girl. He’s sweet though. He said he’d protect me from racist and discriminatory people. Which is nice, but it’s not really about him protecting me. It’s about him understanding what it means to be with me.
I want to be open and honest with him. Communication is hard enough but it’s even harder when two people experience life differently. And making the other person understand something that they’ll never experience will be difficult. But I’m willing to try for us. And I know he is too. I just want to set a precedent of open communication in our relationship. No lies, no secrets.