For some reason, I’m feeling more secure now in my relationship than I did before. Like it feels real.
Also, I can feel again! And guess what I’m feeling?! Happiness!! It’s amazing. I think getting into a fight with Igor and being able to just shout at him and slam doors really helped me release shit. I really don’t know what the problem was in the first place but right now I am A-OK!
I am feeling ridiculously motivated. I’ve scheduled social media content to be released. I’ve updated my blog. I’ve answered emails. I’m proper enthusiastic about my craft, in fact I’m itching to just work on it like right now. I’ve been uber productive and have so many things planned. I’m so excited for 2018.
Do you know why I think I feel this way?
Firstly, I argued with Igor, but we were able to make up, with him initiating the reconciliation, which means a lot to me. Secondly, I feel like I’m in control of my life. I got rid of my agent (they managed my social media thing that I do), and now I don’t have other people’s unneeded expectations holding me back. Thirdly, I’m comfortable. I’ve found a balance that’s working for me and it’s making me happy. I’m able to pursue my craft while maintaining my relationship with Igor. I’m feeling very optimistic about the future.
Now I need to somehow figure out how to incorporate exercise into all of this. I loved going to the gym. It was a good outlet and it made me feel good inside. But one step at a time! I’m not in need of another system overload.
Also, OH EM GEE, I’m sleeping properly again! I didn’t notice, but thinking about it, I’m able to sleep for longer now and I’m less tired. It’s an actual relief. I think that that’s a sign that my emotions have found some sort of equilibrium. Well not equilibrium, because I feel more happy than sad. But like, they’re all in cahoots with one another. My system is stable. Something like that.
Oh wait, what’s that?
Hello? Intuition? Is that you I hear knocking? You want to come inside? Yes? Alright, you can stay but just be quiet.
Yay! Intuition and I are friends again! Exciting times!
Also, happy two month anniversary to my journal! I’m surprised I’ve been able to keep it up for this long. But then my life has been pretty dramatic. There’s always something to write about. I don’t even know how I do it. If I’m not internally being dramatic then I’m externally being dramatic. Either way, I’m never short on drama.
I feel so good! Like hopeful. Even my relationship with Igor feels different. Or rather, it’s making me feel different. As in he’s shown me enough for me to know that, with us, there will be no resemblance to my past relationship. I think I feel less haunted by it now. Maybe that’s why I feel free.
Maybe thinking about my past relationship was what was depressing me? It could be. Anyway let’s leave all that in the yesterday. I want to focus on the today and tomorrow.