I’ve written one and a bit pages of my story. I have to go back through old messages to remember what happened or dialogues we shared. It breaks me. I shouldn’t be going back to days where everything was so good, but I need to. For the sake of our story, while everything is still fresh; the emotions, the memories.
I often find myself on the precipice of tears, especially when I remember the little things he did. Like how one time he pinched me a bit of mint leaves from the top of a bar counter because I’d never tasted it before.
I want our story to stay true to us. Or at least stay true to how I experienced it. I think what hurts more than actually losing something is losing the potential of something. Because you just don’t know what could have been and the opportunity to find out is lost forever. What a shame.
I remember, weeks ago, I wrote,
‘Am I asking for too much? Was what I had always enough? My ex was perfect in every way except for when it came to the romantic side of things. Igor was perfect in every way except for when it came to the friendship side of things. Maybe there’s just no middle ground. Maybe it’s either you get along with someone so well but have no romantic connection or you’re romantically suited but just don’t know how to get along as friends.
Maybe I’ve already gotten the best that I can get. The most I deserve.
Or maybe I’m just a terrible person who doesn’t know how to appreciate what’s in front of them.
I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know if I was right or wrong to walk away from my relationships. I don’t know if just loving someone without sex or romance was enough. I don’t know if having someone care for you and show up for you but without the commonalities was enough. I don’t know what is or isn’t enough. I want everything but maybe it’s not what I deserve.’
Actually reading this brought tears to my eyes. It’s so heartfelt and painful. Feeling so lost. Not knowing how to trust what’s in front of you. I was thinking yesterday, that perhaps, God’s way of answering my prayer, the one where I asked for a healed heart and true love, was by bringing Cymric into my life. Only for me to lose him again, but at least God answered my prayer, right?
Anyway, that little snippet is all wrong. What I thought is all wrong. Because since then I’ve been able to find something, someone that encompassed the everything that I wanted; the romance and the friendship. I know I haven’t yet gotten the best that I can get because Cymric was more than I ever thought I could receive and yet he’s not the upper limit because there’s someone out there who will be even more to me than what Cymric was. I hope… No, I believe it.
But in the meantime, I don’t want to get too close to guys anymore. Maybe Tank and I not being friends is the best thing for me.
* * *
Despite my recent heartbreak, I’m not feeling so sad. As in there is an undercurrent of sadness but within myself, through and through, I’m pretty content and comfortable with where I am and who I am.
I’m keeping myself ridiculously busy and can only afford to think about how I can be more busy and how to make the most out of my busyness. I haven’t been to the gym this week, which is very disappointing. I was meant to go yesterday but didn’t finish with my YouTube video until 11pm. I should have done the majority of it on Tuesday, but well, I was talking to Cymric. I’ve been cooped up in my room these past two days, I should go to today’s comedy show. That cute bartender guy might be working tonight, but #SingleForAYear and whatnot. But a girl can look…
I mustn’t neglect being social. That is just as important as being unsocial. I’m an extrovert so being around others is important for me, while being alone and achieving shit is just as important. I’m actually going out tomorrow for a meal with my dance teachers and a group of others, then we’ll go to a salsa & bachata party. I’ll be getting my groove on.
Do you know what Cymric said to me on Tuesday?! He said I was shit at dancing. I was like, what the actual fuck. Like you don’t say that to someone especially since they’d only taken TWO classes at that point. If anything, I’m actually really good and my teachers have been so impressed by how fast I’ve picked it up, in FOUR classes, that for an average person, it’ll take them six months to do what I can already do. Fuck him, in the nicest way possible, he’s still special to me. He apologised anyway. To be honest, that whole conversation was awkward. I actually just wanted to put the phone down. I just felt annoyed talking to him. Like his existence was irritating me. I was kind of downhearted. I wasn’t my usual cheerful, bubbly self that tends to boil over when I speak to Cymric. I was the opposite. But we obviously know why…
I want all or nothing. If I can’t have all of him, then I want none of him. Simple.
I’ve never experienced that before. The all or nothing thing. But now that I have, I understand that having nothing is better than having something partial and the pain that comes along with it.
Letting something go really is the only option sometimes. And it takes people who choose to put their emotional wellbeing first to make such a move. It’s never easy. You need strength but all hurts eventually heal. Something partial is so much more destructive. It’s better to protect yourself and move on.
Dera first. That’s the only way.
* * *
It’s been a while since I’ve had to write out my feelings. I just haven’t had anxiety for a long time. But I’m no longer sleeping well and my heart won’t stop racing.
I know my sleep has been disturbed by thoughts of Cymric. Wishful thinking and whatnot. But I need to let that go now. Why my heart is racing is a mystery. Cymric again? Perhaps. I think this is becoming less about him and more about me finding someone. I know life has a funny way of happening. And surprisingly, I’m not even looking for anyone. If anything, I’m tying to avoid starting something with someone. But I feel like the type of guy that’s suited to me is rare. Like he probably doesn’t existing within a 100 mile radius of me. But it’s fine. I’m not worried about that.
* * *
Fuck me. I’ve figured it out I think. I just prayed to God to let this anxiety just stop. I’m tired of my heart beating hard against my ribs and sleep eluding me night after night.
But at least I know what it is so I can address it. Firstly, I fear that I’m always going to keep getting it wrong when it comes to guys. I can’t trust myself to see through the bullshit. To see through the toxicity of situations. I just feel like I see the good in people so much that it can blind me or delude me into thinking I have something great when really I don’t. But I guess that’s how you learn, right? Being in relationships and having them fail. I thought what Jomi and I had was the pinnacle of love but leaving him and looking back made me realise that what we shared just wasn’t what I wanted or needed. I thought mine and Igor’s relationship was, again, the pinnacle of something real because we had that sexual chemistry that Jomi and I lacked. But at the end of the day it wasn’t what I needed either.
What if I’m wrong about Cymric and I’m just idealising the whole situation? See, I’m questioning myself and probably overthinking. But it just makes me question my whole sense of reality. And perhaps my outlook is flawed.
I don’t want to think there’s something wrong with me. I always think there’s something wrong with me. And relationships have me going crazy. I really just need to be alone so that I can, like I said, try and get a grip on reality. Learn to be pragmatic. I want to work on that. Stop being so naive. But I guess when the right relationship comes along, I wouldn’t have to question my own sanity.
Pep talk?
I feel like I should tell myself that the same way I see beauty in people’s quirks and uniqueness, I should also see it in my own. That the way I view the world means I always bring about positivity and possibility. Seeing good doesn’t make me a bad person. It may make a fool and I may end up getting hurt by it, but it’s always nice being able to put your whole trust in someone. It makes for wholesome relationships. Even if it is one sided. But no one wants that either. But I need to remember that who I am is a good person. And being able seeing the potential in everything is what makes me special. I need to remember all that I’ve achieved from being me. The happiness and richness I’ve brought into people’s lives. I do good because it’s me. And I shouldn’t want to change that. People need to stop telling me what to do or how I should be. Yes I’ll get hurt, but I’ll only use that hurt to fuel my next adventure and it’ll be great. Like always. Don’t forget, MyBusiness came from heartbreak.
I’ll use my pain to change the world. This I promise