Right, I usually do this (journaling) when I have a lot on my mind and I can’t pinpoint the source of my distress but why not also do it when I’m happy? Yes! I’ve found happiness again and it’s amazing, with it has come my motivation and drive for success. I feel like my old self again.
It’s nice.
I did get a bit annoyed yesterday. I had MrNovember basically telling me he didn’t want me to talk with him or take things further with him because I have better things to do and other people to focus on, like it’s even his decision in the first place? I’m just tired of guys telling me what I should or shouldn’t want. If I want to like you, that’s my business. And if I get hurt in the process, that’s my business too. I am taking that risk because I view you as worthy. The problem is you don’t see yourself worthy of me and THIS IS a problem. I am not royalty, don’t put me on a pedestal. I am human and I’m not looking for something perfect. I want a fellow human too – imperfections and all. But whatever, it’s fine. I feel like I need to take a direct approach to this, let him know that I see him as a risk worth taking (still deciding if I even like him in the first place haha).
He also said I was a difficult person. Ikhsuagwdhadihaidjaihdiuakdhawidhaijdaihd. So I told him he clearly doesn’t know me. Me? Difficult? Never! I can be a clown, of course, but when it comes down to real shit, I’m as smooth sailing as they come. Drama free, me. I’m not here to prove myself to him. That’s his opinion of me, he can take me or leave me, not really here to cater to his wants and needs. To be honest, I’m slightly taken aback because I know myself but then I can barely blame him because he doesn’t really know me. He’s only ever seen silly Dera, drama queen Dera, hyper Dera, so that’s all he knows. Let’s leave it at that for now.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching recently. Going through that whole fiasco with the ex and having my heart broken really took a lot out of me and yet allowed me to gain back even more. I feel wiser. I feel like I’ve seen darkness and come back a more wholesome person. It’s amazing. I feel invigorated and alive! I have focus, direction, I know what I’m aiming towards and I’m going to do my damned hardest to make it happen.
MyBusiness is going to be my life for this next year. I have nothing else occupying my mind so MyBusiness will be priority. Right now, the concept of love is a distraction that I just do not need right now. If it happens, good for me. But let it happen from a distance. A distance where it’s not interfering with this good thing that I’ve got going on.
Exciting times ahead though! Turning 25, and I’m not going to lie. It’s been driving me crazy. I’ve started comparing myself to what a 25 year old should be. And let me tell you, I’m everything a 25 year old isn’t. I’d say I’m more reminiscent of a 12 year old, and I’m now at a point where I’m exhausted from the constant questioning of my mentality that I’ve just come to accept that, yes, I am a 12 year old and I’m going to make it work! Also, I’m cute AF – and no 25 year old wants to be cute, so yes, I am 12.
Hopefully, I can keep on top of this whole journaling business I always have loads to say. So, until tomorrow, PEACE.