hCG beta confirmed: 176 mIU/mL – I am definitely pregnant!
Gah, I still don’t feel anything. The fact that I sleep like a baby every night without the smallest hint of anxiety proves how little fucks I’m apparently giving. I’m pleased for myself, I’m definitely more jovial in myself but I just don’t feel overcome by emotion.
But now everyone knows that I’m with child – good!
I met up with Daye on Sunday, and oh my God! She’s pregnant! 20 weeks along!! I was like… (un)shocked and happy, so happy for her! More happy for her than I am for myself! I was literally over the moon! I even asked to plan her gender reveal! I’ve always begged her to get pregnant at the same time as me so I could have a pregnant buddy and here we are, both pregnant! And our kids will be really close in age! Amazing!! Aw me and my girl are having babies! Look at us! She’s been meaning to tell me, but she wanted to do it in person, and our schedules never aligned plus she was scared because of the infertility chapter of my life, bless her. But I told her, no matter what I’m going through, I would always be happy for her! Of course, being pregnant myself does soften the blow considerably but I’d get over my feelings and celebrate my friend regardless.
I can’t believe how quickly things have turned around. I almost forget all the pain and heartache I’ve been through. I almost forget that I’ll be having my first kid at 30 and not 28 like I wanted. I almost forget that being pregnant is something I’ve wanted for a long time now. I almost forget that the past two years happened, but they have shaped me, and I can’t say it’s for the better.
If I felt more emotions during my IVF cycle, be it negative or positive, maybe I’d feel more for this pregnancy. I’m scared postpartum depression is going to hit me like a brick and I won’t feel anything for my baby. I don’t feel love for it (yet – I hope). I don’t feel any attachment to it. I’m pretty impartial to its existence. I don’t know. Maybe in my mind, it’s not real yet. I can say I’m pregnant, but not feel the weight or the meaning behind the words because to me, they don’t really mean anything. I don’t know. I think I might need counselling.
In my deepest of subconscious, I know this baby is everything to me and I can only thank God that I found success so quickly, but please, let me feel something.