I’ve been so preoccupied today. I’ve started writing a business plan for my next venture and this has taken up much of my headspace.
When I’m doing something important, my head is the best place to be. I do all my planning in my head. I run through all possible scenarios in my head. I balance pros with cons in my head. I make decisions in my head. My brain is like a computer trying to process about 100,000 equations simultaneously and that leaves little room for anything else, including emotions, opinions, food and sleep.
Being in my head has allowed me to make some of the best decisions in my life because I come up with ideas, creative stuff that’s literally mind blowing. As a writer this only makes me get further lost in my head. Coming up with sentence structures, thinking about paragraph layouts, inventing ways to string together words to create new and profound meanings. It’s crazy in there.
Being in my head means wanting to do everything all at once and feeling agitated and anxious that I’m not working as fast as my brain is.
But being in my head is wonderful because I work hard and get shit done. I’m just not present and I’m not going to pretend to be. My best ideas are formed when my brain is in overdrive. That’s when I’m at peak motivation. It’s perfect.
When I’m in my head, I am there in body but not in mind and with Igor I need him to understand that me being distant doesn’t mean I have an issue with the relationship. When I’m thinking about everything, I literally am thinking about everything. My brain doesn’t choose which thoughts I focus on, so I think about me and him too. Not necessarily in a bad way either. But I do think. And I wonder. And then I realise.
I realise that…
That…
* * *
That…
I haven’t crossed that boundary with Igor where I talk to him about things happening in my personal life, like:
- My little sister shaving her hair off
- Some random guy reaching out to me to buddy-up for the concert I went to last Friday (which was fucking amazing!)
- Junior’s girlfriend inviting me to his surprise birthday party this Saturday
- My friend who disappeared checking the snapchat message I sent her
- My mother asking me if I want to travel to Fridaria in October
- Me needing to visit my grandma ASAP but not knowing when
- Me not having spoken to my aunty in a long time
- Me finding out my aunty and uncle were in Fridaria because my first ever boyfriend called me
- My cousin randomly video calling me
- My financial advisor messaging me about my business ventures
- Stuff happening at work like the silly group presentation I have to do
Just basic stuff that’s happening in my life. He doesn’t know any of this. And I don’t feel compelled to tell him either.
I actually feel like I have no one to talk to. I have so many worries that I haven’t voiced out to anyone. But they’re the sort of worries that you share with someone you’re ridiculously close to and I don’t really feel like I have anyone like that except Sana and Junior.
There is so much that comes into my head that I have to deal with but choose to ignore. I can’t go to Igor either because in the past, all he’s done is upset me further. I’m already quite emotionally charged and having emotion answer emotion does nothing to help me. I just feel worse and wish for nothing more than the solid logic that calms me down.
But he doesn’t have to be that guy. He doesn’t need to be the person to calm me down. I just need someone I can talk to about anything. That’s all.
Maybe one day I’ll be vulnerable enough.