Yesterday, I had such a terrible migraine. I had to dim the brightness on my laptop screen and monitor to the lowest setting. It was horrible. When I got home I didn’t feel any better because I received a letter from my doctor.
I went to the hospital last week to have a colposcopy because of the abnormal cells in my cervix the smear test revealed. While there with a male, Fridarian doctor’s face in my vagina I laid chatting away with the nurses as he prodded away at my cervix. It was a very comfortable experience but to make it even worse he decided I should get a biopsy. At this point I was scared because he’d be using a tool to cut away a piece of my cervix and pain in the private areas is not what anyone wants. Anyway, he did a biopsy on two areas and to say I felt violated afterwards would be an understatement.
I know it was for the benefit of my health, but he took away pieces of me with my whole vag on show and that’s a vulnerability that isn’t fun to expose. I cramped for a good day and then my period started and so I cramped some more. The worse thing was that I wasn’t able to have sex or put anything inside my vagina, so when my period started, I couldn’t even use my menstrual cup and so I was terrified that I’d be leaking everywhere. Fortunately, I didn’t stain the bed, only my blue pair of Levi jeans, but it’s fine; it washed out.
Now, back to yesterday. I got home with a crazy headache and a letter from my doctor. Upon opening it, I swear I must have had a mini heart attack. Apparently the HPV infection was misreported as low risk and was actually high risk HPV positive. Fun. And to make things even more exciting, he used the C word in the letter. He said he’d removed pre-CANCEROUS cells during the biopsy and had sent it off for a histology. Cool.
My head hurt too much for me to even understand what the letter was saying. I was a bit worried and although it is high risk, it’s also low grade so it has the potential of going away on its own and not becoming cancer. Regardless, I got over it and slept like a baby. But I’m seriously considering making a baby as soon as possible in the unfortunate case that I have to have my uterus removed.
The weekend was nice. Telis got to meet my aunties. The aunty born after my mother is so traditional and was shocked to find out Telis and I were living together without even being married. I was just like, haha whatever. Definitely not a big deal.
I’m not going to lie, I still get scared of commitment with him. Forever is a very long time and what if he isn’t for me or I start finding other men attractive and want to leave him. I’m a faithful person but what if I’m destined to be with a model who isn’t chubby.
Relationships suck.