I feel so lost. I feel like what I have ahead of me is way beyond my ability to fix. I haven’t been able to stop crying. If I’m not crying then I’m feeling sad and broken.
Telis‘ semen analysis did show low sperm count and I’ve had him take vitamins and cut back on alcohol and caffeine but we still failed cycle 5. My cycles are short and maybe my luteal phase isn’t great. It’s at a consistent 11 days but receiving my progesterone results as low, just completely threw me.
I feel like I’ve been doing what needs to be done to get my hormones to where they need to be, I’ve been taking lots of vitamins and supplements but if my body is so broken that nothing can fix it, is there any point wishing and hoping anymore?
I knew from the onset that I’d struggle. It’s just this inherit belief I have. Just to even fathom the thought that I could ever have a child of my own, every instinct in me screams, ‘it’s never going to happen!’
It doesn’t help that my neighbour India gave birth two weeks ago and all I hear through my walls is a screaming baby. We’re moving to our first home in a few weeks and yesterday, we walked around the neighbourhood and it was children and families everywhere and it made me feel so down. Are we moving into a family home within a family neighbourhood, only to be faced with a constant reminder of what we don’t have? Are we living in a house just for two? Will our home ever be filled with laughter and noise?
I don’t know what to do anymore. We’re taking a break this cycle. I’m being driven to constant sadness. Cycle 6. I can’t beleive we fall into the category of those who haven’t conceived within 6 months. It hasn’t been 6 months yet, but it almost will be, and nothing would have changed anyway. 12 months and we’ll probably be right where we are.
I’ve paid to speak to our fertility consultant to get his opinion on what we can do. Perhaps we should just go straight for treatment and not bother with having sex for baby making purposes.
It sucks. I don’t want to pay to make a baby. I still remember crying, many years ago, over the fact that, with Jomi and I being sickle cell carriers, we’d probably have to consider conceiving via IVF to prevent having a sickle cell child. Maybe my sadness at needing IVF is my punishment now. I’ve been going over scenarios in my head of what I may have said or done to warrant this punishment. I still remember, I knew an infertile couple as a young teenager and I wonder if I ever thought something negative about their predicament. I don’t think I’m a bad person but I wish I knew what I was being punished for so that I could beg for forgiveness.
There’s only so many tears I can waste. Coming from a fertile family, maybe this is the universes way of saying that someone has to suffer. Maybe we can’t have it all. Maybe I’m the one who has to martyr their fertility. I don’t know.
I’m not looking forward to the coming months. Every time I think about trying to conceive, I get this overwhelming need to scream and throw and break something. I imagine hurting myself. What it would be like to just curl up in the freezing night air and have my body freeze over. I just want to let go of this anger and frustration and hopelessness!
Being in lockdown has exacerbated everything I’m feeling. I have nowhere to go and nothing to do. My thoughts are consumed by this one thing. There’s nowhere to turn to as a distraction. There’s nowhere to go. I can’t keep staring at the same four walls and expect to stay sane. I just need to get away from me. To escape this nightmare that is my life.