I’ve made my journal completely private. Now Igor can stop reading my shit. And I can say whatever the hell I want. I think I’m in a bit of a bad mood plus I have a bit of a headache.
I’m just not in the mood for his questioning. He’s always asking me if there’s something wrong with me regarding us. This relationship is literally the last thing that I want to think of. It’s giving me a headache.
I’m stressed. I know it’s through no other reason other than all the stuff that I’ve given myself to deal with. But I do have to create a business plan and I do have to create a YouTube video (like yesterday) and I do have to have a personal life.
This relationship is like a thing on the side that doesn’t require all my attention. In fact I don’t want to think or talk about it anymore. Why can’t it just be easy? While with my ex, I never once considered leaving him, even when my gut was telling me to go. It was only at the end when things got unbearable that I left. Maybe that was a mistake.
He was perfect in every way except for when it came to the actual romantics of the relationship. But maybe romance is dead. Maybe I didn’t need him to be thoughtful. Or forward thinking. Maybe I didn’t need us to have that sexual chemistry. Maybe it was enough being really good friends because when it came down to it, I was happy with him.
I know that the breakup was bigger than what I’m viewing it as. I was deeply hurting when I was with him but looking at the bigger picture, outside those few months when things really escalated, were we really that bad?
We could work on the sex. We could. He could work on his openness and communication. We could have worked at it. But I was hurting so much. He’s the best team mate I’ve ever had. It’s fine. Life moves on and so should I.
There’s so much potential with Igor, he’s the complete opposite to my ex. He has the qualities I’ve always wanted but he’s annoying as fuck. He’s emotional, he’s insecure and he’s too much like me. I can get erratic when my emotions take over and instead of having a calming presence, I have someone who only adds fuel to my flames. That’s where my ex was good. He kept his cool. I miss him terribly.
I don’t think I should be with Igor until I’m over my ex. But saying that. I just need someone who’s going to make me forget him. Igor just makes me remember all the good things I had with my ex because things aren’t that amazing with him.
It’s hard.
I want a cool headed rock of a man who can be vulnerable with me – something my ex couldn’t do.