WTF was this weekend?! Basically MrNovember and I aren’t talking anymore. We’re not friends, not even acquaintances. It basically went from 0 to 100 real quick and now all I’ve been left with is a guy who won’t even look in my direction. Not gonna lie, I find the whole thing comical. Blatantly making a point to ignore someone is just funny and I really am too old for all this on account of being almost 25 and whatnot.
How I see it is that he let his insecurities get the better of him. He couldn’t accept that I liked him and so he questioned me into annoyance and basically pegged me as a dishonest person who was out to break his heart. He was annoying AF. Like why are you so annoying? I’ve never been the least annoying person in a relationship before but this guy really took the biscuit and I, quite rightly, was fed up. I’m usually very tolerant, but question my intentions and ideals and we have a problem. I mean, just stop fucking questioning and doubting me. It makes me feel like I’m mistrusted for doing nothing but liking you. There was potential there but wow, I’ve just never met anyone who can make me feel bad for no reason.
I actually really wanted to fuck him. I can imagine the sex being amazing. But oh well. I’m rather pleased I didn’t sleep with him. There’s always a line between not really knowing someone and really knowing them that if not fully crossed, sex can completely prevent you from getting to the other side. I feel like rekindling just for the sex, but let’s not be a bitch. Feelings are real! Ok, that’s not what I meant. What I mean is that I actually really like him and would like to pursue things further with him, including a sexual relationship, but when it comes down to it, if I was only left with a man who couldn’t stand me but his penis was willing, I’d take it.
I feel like there’s always two sides to a story where no one and everyone is actually at fault, and I really want to acknowledge the part I played in this but I actually did nothing wrong. He made it seem like I was flip-flopping around – one minute I liked him the next I didn’t. But it was never like that. He would take something said completely out of context and fixate on it until he convinced himself that I was the devil, out to crush his soul. I am desperately trying to look back and analyse where I was at fault but I don’t really think I was.
But whatever.
Apart from that whole comedic element of my life, the weekend was good, well the first half of it anyway. Met up with the cousins for dinner. Proper adulting and stuff. It was good to just have adult conversations like the adults we are because that’s what adults do and adult we did! Yes!
I’m generally happy though. Amidst all the drama, you can forget to focus inwards and by just staying silent for a while listening to my deepest internals (heartbeat, blood through my arteries, brain swishing around, etc.) I know I’m in a really good place.
– – – – – Update – – – – –
So 8 hours have passed and much has changed since this afternoon!!!!
I have reclaimed my position as most annoying person in the relationship, phew! Also MrNovember and I have rekindled whatever kindling was unkindled.
I really like him.
I do. I was quite annoyed that things ended how they did and it made me realise, fuck! I really like this guy. So I messaged him “fuck you for making me like you so much” because I’m a fucking romantic. Then we spent the evening together and it was nice.
He gives me major butterflies. I’ve never gotten that with a guy before. Like when it comes to kissing, its either hit or miss (mostly miss). You either feel something or you don’t. To me, kissing never used to be something worth doing because I’d get absolutely nothing out of it. I’d feel nothing. Until I kissed the right guys, and my internals just did all sorts, and that’s when I knew – wow, there’s actually something in this whole kissing business.
And we didn’t sleep with each other!!!!!!!! I know it’s not a big deal but actually it is, because any guy in the same position would definitely be raring to stick his peanut in my peanut hole. And I really appreciate his willingness to wait for me – and don’t get me wrong, I’m tempted AF, but I want sex to be more than just a casual fuck.
I cannot wait for his peanut though…