Why do new relationships bring out flaws you never knew you had? Or is it because I’m trying to be more mindful that I suddenly realise how big of a drama queen I am?
I’m actually tired of myself. I need a break from Igor because all my constant focusing on my insecurities is doing my head in. It’s not his fault. It’s mine. And it’s not an excuse to want to stop seeing him. I don’t want to stop seeing him. I need to regain control of my own sanity, not that I had it in the first place.
Actually I’m going to set myself a challenge. I’m not going to complain about myself, blame myself for anything or worry about what Igor thinks of me. He’s made it clear he really likes me, a lot. So I have no reason to feel any type of way about myself. I want to be confident. I am confident. Fuck, I’m a walking contradiction. I’m ridiculously confident but with Igor, I’m a mess. I need to stop caring so much what he thinks. My life won’t end if he suddenly decides to unlike me and then ups and leaves me. I need to be above this mindset. I don’t NEED him to like me, but it’s nice that he does. He’s a companion, not a be all or end all.
We even had a little lovers tiff yesterday. Don’t really feel like divulging much information, but it was about sex and feelings apparently got hurt. This whole sex business is problematic. I feel like permanently quitting sex. I’m even tired of writing about it. It’s the same story day after day. I need to get over this shit. Ok, I think I made him feel inadequate, which wasn’t my intention at all. But words get said carelessly and the way they’re received can be misconstrued. I didn’t mean them the way he interpreted but then again, he said something just as offensive to me this morning and I’m sure he didn’t mean it the way it came out, but whatever. Shit happens.
Anyway, Igor said I should go with him to visit his brother at university in the New Year. In my head I was like, errrrrrrrrrrrrr. EERRRRRERRRERERERRR. So I asked him whether he’s told his brother about me and he said yeah, that he’d told him soon after our first few dates. Ok, so I’ve told my sisters about him but that was after we were official plus I’m a girl, we get excited about every new potential possibility. But he’s a guy. Do guys talk about new girls they’re seeing so soon after the first date? I don’t know. Maybe? I just don’t know if it would be too soon to meet his brother. I don’t know! What do I do or say?! Can we just slow down a little bit? I don’t think I want to be involved with my other half’s family so soon.
In Bobby Valentino’s famous words,
Slow down I just wanna get to know you
But don’t turn around
‘Cause that pretty round thing looks good to me
Slow down never seen anything so lovely
Now turn around
And bless me with your beauty, cutie
Can’t I just enjoy his pretty round (and long) thing and his beauty for now? I’m enjoying getting to know him. Why ruin it with the serious stuff? I think I’ll be honest with him and tell him how I feel about it.
Igor and I debuted our relationship at work’s Christmas Party. Well everyone already knew but we made it that little bit more obvious that we were together. Nothing too obvious, but we did arrive, sit and leave together. At the end of the day, it’s still a work function. A level of professionalism needs to be maintained.
Robin got ridiculously wasted but there’s definitely something bothering him. I tried my hardest to lowkey keep my distance from him on account of me sleeping with him and Igor knowing. I just didn’t want Igor to feel awkward. But it was kind of hard when I have a drunk guy throwing himself all over me, telling me that he loves me and blowing me kisses. I’m going to ignore all that transpired and pretend it never happened. Because I know he was just being silly. I just hope he’s ok and that I’m not hurting him in any way by being with Igor. Robin has always maintained that he has no feelings for me so I’m banking on his honesty.
Aside from being less of a drama queen, today I’m going to try my damned hardest to get ridiculously wet before Igor penetrates me. I’ll tell him that we can’t have sex until I’m sufficiently wet. No pressure Dera. I’m going to think about all the things that turn me on. I’m going to touch myself and I am going to get horny as fuck. Just watch me.
* * *
I need some alone time. I don’t want to tell Igor that in case I’m in one of my moods where I say and do erratic things based on how I’m feeling in that exact moment. I say things I don’t mean so I need to be careful and keep some things to myself and wait until I’m feeling better to make any decisions. I read an article that said that before you can get wet you need to know what actually turns you on. So experimentation by yourself is important. Hence why I’m itching to be alone so that I can experiment. But maybe I can experiment with Igor? I’ll talk to him about it.
* * *
Why do I always feel like I’m not deserving. I’m just thinking about Igor going on about how much he likes me but I don’t half believe that I’m someone who is deserving of such deep affection. Maybe because I never felt it from my ex, it’s just really strange that someone could like me so much.
I see my parents and its beautiful how much they do for each other. It’s all a girl can wish for – to find a guy who will cherish and love her unconditionally. And I have that, yet I feel like it’s not for me. I know I’m an amazing person. But my self-esteem actually sucks. What went wrong along the way? Did my past relationship really fuck me up to the point where basic adoration is foreign to me? It’s all I’ve ever wanted. To have a guy want me. And now that I have someone who does, inside and out, I don’t know how to deal with it.
I think this will have to be another Dera counselling session. How my ex fucked me up. Here comes a part of that story that I wanted to remain untold.
I never felt wanted by him. It was a recurring theme in our relationship. All I ever wanted was to feel closer to him but there was this huge divide that we just couldn’t seem to cross. I suggested and tried many things just so that I could feel an ounce of affection from him. Our sex life was either very lacking or just non-existent. He never really saw me. He didn’t see me. I could be fulfilling his every sexual and non-sexual desire and he wouldn’t see me.
I was in a hurry to marry him. Maybe that would change how things felt. I was in a hurry to take things further with him. Take things anywhere, I didn’t care. I just wanted to feel wanted. Then he put a ring on my finger and nothing changed. I had that horrid gnawing feeling in my gut that this guy didn’t want me, something just wasn’t right. He wasn’t giving me what I needed from a relationship but I blamed myself. I thought it was all my fault that I felt the way I did. I blamed myself for his inability to maintain an erection with me. I blamed myself that he blamed me for how much his life sucked. Everything was always my fault. It was always me. I was the one ruining everything. I was the one in the wrong for not feeling loved enough. For not feeling happy. It was always me. I couldn’t live my life like that. I couldn’t. And yet I did, for over five years.
It’s not unreasonable to expect basic affection. It’s not. So why did I always feel like I was asking for too much? Asking him to do more when it should have been the default? He’s not a bad guy but I don’t think he was ever in the position to love anyone. He isn’t ready.
My feelings and opinions were second class. They didn’t matter unless they aligned with whatever it was he felt. I was stifled. I couldn’t express anything. Everything was an attack on him so when it came to speaking my truth, I couldn’t, lest he ran away and closed himself off to me. The relationship was solely about him. Solely about what I could do for him. I never got anything in return and so I suffered. I never mattered and so I got used to it. Nothing in the relationship was ever for me. I did everything to please him, to make him happy, just so that he could want me. I tried my damned hardest, I really did.
But depression is real. And I found myself in a dark place.
All my effort was redundant. It amounted to nothing. And all I have to show for it is not knowing how to accept basic affection and major insecurity issues.
Anyway enough on this. It hurts having to write about it.
I wish I could confide in Igor, but there’s no room for ex drama right now.