I’m anxious.

My head hurts.

I feel overwhelmed by my impatience.

I want to cry. I want to sleep. I want to just wake up when this chapter of my life is over.

Fuck this. Fuck it all.

I don’t know what’s wrong. I want to try everything but I also just want to get pregnant right now.

I have a consultation tomorrow to discuss having a hysteroscopy because why not. And then after that start the process for IUI.

This isn’t how I imagined my babies will get made but maybe I’m being punished for having those expectations. Maybe life is trying to teach me a lesson about how in life you don’t always get everything you want.

I can’t even stop thinking about it. I just want to stop thinking about it. But every waking moment of my day is consumed by my infertility.

I feel an overwhelming rage. I want to scream and break shit. I want to punch walls. I want to hurt myself. I want to feel something other than what I’m feeling now.

I’m so lost I don’t know what else I can do. I’m doing everything I can think of but what I ultimately want is an answer to why I’m living this shit show that is my life. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with me? What did I do to myself? Or to someone else?

I don’t even know if I can write away my feelings. I feel like I’m being stupid. Like it’s not even a big deal. There could be worse things. But it still sucks!

Can I just sleep?

I’ve been patient. The first 3 cycles I was a fucking knob but cycle 3 hurt because that felt like a long time but I had to manage my expectations. Cycle 6 sucked too but we just had to keep trying. Then cycle 9, 12 and now 18.

What I know is:

• AMH: 40.5 pmol/L
• FSH: 8.3 IU/L
• LH: 9.6 IU/L
• TSH: 2.23 mIU/L
• Progesterone: 27 and 29 nmol/L
• Day 10 endometrial echo: 9mm
• AFC: 34 and 20
• Dominant follicle size in one cycle: 22mm

So, what’s wrong with me?