I just applied for a job within my company for a position in Cymricland. Only God knows what’s compelling me to want to apply for jobs there. But I’m going with it.
Anyway, forget that.
I’ve been feeling a little bit down. Yesterday I left salsa class on the verge of tears. I had to call Junior before I let my thoughts run wild. I just felt like I couldn’t penetrate the groups. I just didn’t see myself fitting in, and the fact that I’m trying to be more social and yet I still feel like I’m on the outside really just sucks!
Junior was really kind. He said words that brought tears to my eyes. He said I’m a good friend and a good person – or at least that was the gist of it.
I don’t know how to make conversations about things that aren’t important to me. Like holidays I’ve been on, or things I’ve watched on TV. I can do small talk, but I can’t get myself or others excited about restaurants I’ve been to or makeup that I own (or don’t own). I don’t like to interject with my own opinions because most of the time I don’t have any.
What I get excited about are books and philosophy. But how often am I going to stumble upon someone who also enjoys those things? I can’t walk up to someone and ask them, ‘so what is the meaning of life?’
The people at salsa already know each other so there’s no way I’d feel comfortable enough to infiltrate the group. Is this how I’ll always feel in social situations?
I feel like giving up. Maybe isolating myself is the only option. That way I don’t have to keep feeling my otherness. I literally just had to pick up and book and start reading during the dance breaks because I couldn’t deal with just standing there talking to no one. At least when in a book I don’t have to focus on my outcastness.
* * *
Pumped iron – feeling exhausted. Already 40 pages into book three of the trilogy I’m reading. I feel good.
I haven’t spoken to anyone today. Apart from colleagues, communication has faltered. I came home from work, ate, watched TV shows, read my book, went to the gym, read more of my book, and now it’s time for bed.
Could I sustain this aloneness long term? Probably.