Last time I checked in, I had a scare because I was bleeding but both babies were fine. The bleeding persisted and after my scan at the ultrasound clinic, I finally had my appointment at the EPU. Of course, we had seen the babies the Thursday before and they were doing great but you never know what to expect because things can really change from one day to the next.
Thankfully, again, both babies were seen, hearts flickering away and much bigger than they were the Thursday before! But they also had an unwelcome guest chilling alongside them – a 4cm subchorionic hematoma (SCH). This is what was causing all the bleeding. It’s frustrating because the sign of blood is always stressful and never reassuring but usually SCHs don’t pose too much of an issue – until it does…
Today I am 10+5 and still spotting. I’ve since had a scan at 8+4 and how my babies have grown! Their little bodies twitching away with strong heartbeats and good CRL sizes! They were both measuring ahead, which is a relief considering Oyster had stopped growing at around 8 weeks. The twins had both surpassed his final size at that point. The SCH was still there and still large, but for now, wasn’t causing any issues.
My next scan is at 11 weeks, which is this Friday. But before I get into that, can I just vent at how unbearable the first trimester is!
I’ve been so sick. Omg… The nausea, the vomiting, the indigestion, the acid reflux. I am tired! I feel like a fucking host. Like my body has been taken over and I have no control over what it does. I don’t know how or what to eat to make me feel better. I’m struggling to exist in my body, everything is just uncomfortable, nothing feels normal, I don’t feel normal. I just want to go back to feeling like myself again. I don’t think I could do another pregnancy again, it’s actually too much. My boobs are in pain and growing non-stop, they’re huge right now and that’s even before my milk has come in, so how big will they eventually get?! They said the second trimester will be better and symptoms will start reducing but it looks like that won’t be the case for me.
And then my mother and her near-constant harassment. It got to a point where she was calling, messaging and emailing me everyday, multiple times a day! There was no escaping her. My sisters had to tell her to back off, which thankfully worked because the frequency has reduced but of course, all she wants to talk about is babies, babies, babies. And thanks to her and my dad, now her sisters know that I’m pregnant too! I really wanted to keep it a secret so I wouldn’t have to share bad news with too many people in case the unfortunate happened. I do regret telling my parents to be honest.
I went to visit my parents last Friday as I was in CapitalCity for a wedding coordination client meeting so I thought I may as well visit since I’m around. I had specifically said to my mother that I didn’t want anyone buying anything for these babies just yet as it’s too early, we don’t know how this pregnancy will pan out, but she clearly doesn’t listen to me because when I arrived, I found boxes (plural) of baby items that she had bought!! I was so upset! We hadn’t discussed this! There are things that I would want to do and buy as a first time mother that she’s essentially taken away from me. Products that I’d want to do my own research on and choose myself. It really sucks and even though she says that’s the last of the things she’ll buy, I don’t believe her! I really do regret telling them…
My mother’s youngest sister, Aunty Muffy, isn’t any better herself. She told me that she has also bought me a baby changing bag, wonderful… But again… What if I don’t like it?! Anyway, whilst at my parents, I had seen that my Aunty Muffy had left me with some of her old midwifing items, including a fetal doppler; my Aunty used to be a midwife but now works in a different field within healthcare. Telis and I were so excited to hear the babies’ heartbeats with it and were quick to whip it out and give it a go, but it didn’t work! I sent Telis and my dad out to buy new batteries for it and upon their return, we put it in and, it didn’t work! It was disappointing but we thought maybe we were doing something wrong, so took it with us and went to Aunty Muffy’s place so she could have a try, but it looked like it was spent and we weren’t going to hear our babies’ heartbeats that day. We did however decide to just buy our own fetal doppler and it arrived yesterday!
I was able to locate both babies’ heartbeats and they were very strong. Relief is an understatement because it’s been a while since I’ve seen them and I’m constantly worrying about their wellbeing. But they were both there, and surviving!
My appointment on Friday is with a consultant obstetrician. It was organised by my Aunty Muffy as she used to work alongside this consultant when she was a midwife and she knows how good he is. She suggested I give birth at her hospital as she would be able to align the right people to be in charge of my care. This hospital is in CapitalCity so we would need to be near during my last few weeks of pregnancy, which, I guess, we’ll sort out as we get closer to the time. But Telis was pretty insistent that we go somewhere where I’d be looked after and taken seriously. I would prefer to give birth closer to home, but the safety of these babies is paramount, so whatever is best.
I just hope that they’re healthy. They’ll be tested for chromosomal abnormalities soon, and I just worry that something will be wrong with them. I really hope that things will be well with them. I want them to continue thriving and surpassing goals!
I still can’t say it feels real yet. I don’t feel like I’m out of the woods and I’m definitely still guarding my heart but with each milestone they pass, I do feel a little better. I’m not confident enough to buy anything for them or even properly imagine a future with them but I’ll absolutely celebrate the little things that they achieve and feel glad about it.