I had an entry for today that I had written out but couldn’t dare publish because it was a little bit too honest for my liking. I’m rewriting it with things worth talking about, like my feelings for Igor.
I can’t have suddenly stopped liking him. But how I’m feeling for him right now doesn’t actually amount to much. If anything I feel indifferent towards him. I don’t like him but I don’t don’t like him. It’s weird. I don’t know what changed in my mind. I don’t know what happened for me to feel this way. Man, I had so many feelings for him, strong ones too.
I know he’s an amazing person who does a lot for me. But it’s like I have a mind block that’s stopping me from remembering all those things and feeling anything towards his actions. I should be touched, moved, overwhelmed by the fact that he goes above and beyond for me, especially since it’s all I’ve ever wanted but I’m stuck.
Maybe it was lust. Maybe I was infatuated by everything and then we argued and the façade faded. All I know is that I’m not as interested as I was before. I think I’m going to break up with him… It’s probably just as simple as me losing my attraction for him.
Well this sucks.
Now, the thought of me losing him is making me want to cry. I don’t want to leave him. I do like him. For real. It isn’t lust. It’s never been about the physical or the sexual. They’ve been nice bonuses. It’s always been about how he makes me feel about myself. Which is good. It’s always good.
I need a pep talk to snap out of my apathetic delusions.
* * *
I think I’ve unwittingly put a wall up around my fickle heart. By trying to be perfect always and by reacting so negatively to the little hurt I’ve faced, it’s clear that I’m scared. Sometimes it’s easier to run than face things that can make you feel sad or angry or annoyed. I really don’t think it has anything to do with Igor.
I wrote a while ago that maybe I was falling in love with him and I had such an adverse reaction to that revelation that I basically stopped the whole falling notion in its tracks. I was falling, now I’m floating. Stuck in a miasma of emotions that I do not want to deal with because it is scary.
I think I’m scared. Really really scared. I loved one guy and because of what we went through together we became the worst versions of ourselves. I want to be perfect, but in this pursuit of perfection I am only hurting myself. I need to be honest with myself and just let Igor in. Let the poor boy in for goodness sake. I have so much capacity to love. I want to love. I see him and I together, I can imagine a future, it’s not that I don’t like him. I’m just scared. Now I want to run away.
Run awaaaay.