I just want to look at him one day and feel like, ‘yes, this man is mine and I am his’, but I don’t think I’ve fully claimed him, nor do I want him to claim me.
It’s like I’m still giving him a chance and I haven’t decided whether or not I want to be with him. Maybe one day things will just click into place… Or not.
I think the microneedling thing really upset me because 1) I put him through something that is physically painful and 2) it didn’t change how I feel or don’t feel about him. I thought that if his appearance changed I’d suddenly start feeling differently towards him but I don’t.
He makes me happy, truly. But I feel like our love is an ocean and the tides keep pulling him back while he tries to berth his boat on my island. I like that he is close but I don’t want him to get too close and yet I feel so far from him.
I remember how I worshipped Jomi, well, not literally, but he was my everything: my present, my future, my life. I couldn’t see anyone but him as my forever. I was consumed in our love. It ran deep. But now, I don’t know who the fuck my present, my future or my life is. I just have a great companion who I love and don’t mind keeping around and if we break up? Life goes on.
The sad thing is it probably has less to do with him and more to do with my inability to fully commit. But then again maybe he’s not for me and I can sense that so I’m holding back.
Who knows?
I just want to feel that all-consuming love again. Or is it just something reserved for your first love? If that’s the case, then I’ll always feel separate from whomever I’m with.
That kinda sucks…