So I hung out with Telis’ friend Vish last night. I’m not sure what to make of it. It was a chilled affair. However I’m not sure if the conversation took a turn for the inappropriate considering he’s a good friend of my boyfriend. We’re both open people so a conversation like that is normal for me, it’s just the circumstances that could have made it a bit weird.
We spoke about boobs. We spoke about my boobs and how I was insecure about them because of the size and then I went on to tell him my size and how bra sizes work. I don’t know. There’s a fine line and I’m not sure if it was crossed. I also taught him how to dance Bachata and that was funny. I told Telis everything because it wasn’t like I was trying to hide anything. However he found it nice that we were bonding. Maybe less bonding and more group hang outs.
I’m just cautious about guys that are my boyfriend’s friends and girls that are my friend’s girlfriends. I think there should be some distance. When my best friend Junior got a girlfriend and then had a child, I definitely reduced the amount of communication we had – I don’t like causing unintentional interference and insecurities in other people’s relationships and I definitely don’t like the same for myself.
To be honest, I think what makes me even more careful now with Vish is the fact that once upon a time, he would have pursued me but as he told me, I showed no interest in him so that died before it even lived. I know it’s not a big deal, everyone’s a potential something and it either goes somewhere or it doesn’t. All my guy friends were all potential something’s or I was a potential something to them, either way, a guy and a girl just being friends always comes with potentials, I’m just really good at keeping boundaries so there are no potentials in my life right now but I’m probably a lot of people’s potential 😉
Speaking of potential, I should tell the story of how Junior and I met. We met back in 2011. It was my first week of university and my first time ever going clubbing. We met on the dance floor. I was wearing these huge heels and I towered over him but he came straight at me and we danced, or maybe I ran from him, I can’t remember. Either way, he asked for my BlackBerry pin and I was so exasperated by him that I gave it to him so that he would leave me alone. The next day he messaged me and we ended up hanging out and that was the beginning of our beautiful friendship. We’ve been very close since then. But it never escalated past friendship ever. Obviously when he asked for my pin, I was a potential but then I wasn’t. And I think that’s how it works with guys and girls.
Casper was definitely a potential. I was single. He was cute. So I basically approached him! But he had a girlfriend. However, he too became a very good friend. Only the friends I made while in a relationship or those who were in relationships were never potentials. I respect the sanctity of relationships and I understand male/female dynamics because a lot of my friends are guys and I know how girls can get – jealous. Fortunately for me, I’m perceived as harmless and tend to befriend friend’s girlfriends because I just show zero interest and I mind my business.
I know there’s nothing to worry about. I’m just extra wary.
I’m going to start going to the gym daily. I want to get sexy for Telis so he can show me off to the world. My body is borderline a minuscule disgrace. I need to burn some fat so that my beach body is ready for when we travel. It’s pretty good the way it is right now and I’d still look fucking sexy in a bikini but perfection is always something to strive for. Also can he return already…? I want to have sex with his penis.
* * *
Firstly, I need to stop buying shit off the Internet. I’ve probably spent my whole monthly pay in less than a month. Anyway, it’s all for a good cause. I’ve bought a whole load of bikinis and summer dresses for my upcoming holidays, I want to dress nice and girly for once.
Ok, now that the basic update on my life is out of the way, let’s move onto the explosive. I used my vibrator. I may have orgasmed, or almost orgasmed. Either way my body literally spasmed, my toes curled and my back arched and it felt like I was possessed by a demon that was trying to leave my body. An orgasm is basically an exorcism. Because that shit leaves you drained. My legs are weak AF. However, I do believe I had my first orgasm/almost-orgasm with Telis and I did say to myself that I’d marry the guy to give me my first.
My clitoris is super sensitive because it’s gone untouched for all these years, plus it’s hidden under a hood, so every little touch is like fireworks through my body. My clit was so swollen after I stopped that I could feel it as I was walking, every movement would rub against it and that’s how I knew I’m erect, like a man! My tiny penis works! Yay! I can’t wait for Telis to return and play with me. I’m not so broken after all. I actually thought I’d never have an orgasm and here I am; a woman.
But my next aim is to orgasm purely through vaginal stimulation and climax with my lover. I think having felt an almost-orgasm would make me less scared to have one and so I’ll be able to let go during sex and actually enjoy it. I’m making progress. I’m happy.
Ok, so, Telis’ friend Vish has messaged me like three times today and he invited me round to his place for drinks. I’m going to the gym tonight, so I’ve kindly declined but now I feel like I need to set some implicit boundaries. Hmm…
I’ve left my bankcard with my friend Kirby because he’s lost his wallet. He’s ready to splash my cash. Hopefully, he just doesn’t splash too much; I’ve already spent too much.
I’m still shaken from that orgasm/almost-orgasm. I don’t think I’ve fully had one. I feel like I’ve been on the precipice of one. Or maybe I did have one but it comes in waves. Like I reach a point, then it calms down, then it reaches another point, then it’s back down again, and each point is toe-curling and back-arching and scream-inducing. I’ll try again with Telis. Pleasure is more than just me and a vibrator, I want to share it with Telis too. I want him to experience me in all my grandeur, and me him. I want to pleasure him and be pleasured by him. I want that reciprocal kind of sex. I want Telis in his entirety and I want to give him all of me.
I’m so sleepy. I feel drained.
My family visited me on Sunday because I’ve been ill for the past few weeks. They brought me food, which was lovely of them. Then we all went out to a Lebanese restaurant. It was nice to have them here in Deraland; they never visit me. My mother asked about Telis. She asked about his job, his height (???), etc. But she said she didn’t want to meet him until we’d been dating for a significant amount of time. I think she thinks I just jump from one relationship to the next. She doesn’t want to be meeting multiple boyfriends so I guess I’ll be taking Telis home some time early next year.
To be honest, I just want to be committed to one person. As long as I can tolerate them in the long term, then I think it could work with anyone. It’s just about putting in the work. There’s the danger of ‘the grass is always greener on the other side,’ and the temptations that comes with that, but who’s to say that all that greenness isn’t just artificial turf? I think once you’ve found a good thing, you should hold onto it, because it’s rare to find in this terrible world.
I love Telis for a reason, despite all my apprehensions and I should believe it. I’m not going to lie… I borderline want to run away right now. You start to question whether this person really is going to be there forever, but there’s no guarantee and that’s scary.