Currently at a work event sitting down in a lonely corner daydreaming about Igor. Is this how I know he’s the real deal? I’ve obviously had guys who I constantly think about but none that can turn my stomach like him. And I mean turn it in the kind of way that leaves you feeling frustrated… Sexually.
No, I’m not horny, but one thought leads to another and suddenly there’s a whole load of horizontal action happening that I need to catch myself before I fall too far and end up in deep waters, or rather the deep waters end up on me…
But I’m in like! And there was a time when I thought I wouldn’t be able to feel anything for anyone ever.
My breakup was tough. At first I felt free and it was exhilarating, but the 5 stages of grief hit me harder than a double decker bus and I spiralled.
I mean, try moving on from a broken engagement. That shit’s tough. And it took a lot out of me. But that’s a story for never.
Today was a bit of an off day for me. I think it started from the fact that I wasn’t able to visit my grandma. I was in her area and wanted to pay her a surprise visit but when I called her, she didn’t pick up. It actually made me a lot more sad than what it should have. I even wanted to cry. But it’s fine. I’ll just dedicate a weekend to her sometime soon.
Love my grandma.
My bad mood sort of carried on into the evening and my housemate didn’t help. In fact, my whole living situation is just drama. How can I come home and there’s wires all over the kitchen because the housemate wants to experiment with WiFi router positions because the signal apparently disturbs his sleep.
I just can’t deal.
I feel like this particular housemate will come up a lot in my journaling. I’ll need to give him a name. He’s annoying AF. Let’s call him Barney like the fucking annoying purple dinosaur. Man, I might need to start looking for somewhere else to live. And let me not get started on the house group chat. That alone is enough to force someone to start looking for a new tenancy.
The best part of this day was actually sticking on some false nails. They look good! I’m quite pleased. Igor (yes, him again) would have made this day 10/10 instead of the meagre 3/10 it was. We did message all day so that’s a nice boost to today’s rating but still, it’s not much to shout about, is it?
He’s amazing though. Today I told him that he’s perfect. Is that creepy? I feel that maybe I could have come on a bit too strong? I know I overthink everything so maybe it was alright, but maybe it was creepy and I should probably pull back a bit? No?
He takes an interest in my interests and just general things that are happening in my life. He’s even willing to help me with MyBusiness which is amazing! I’m so touched by his generosity, selflessness, thoughtfulness and amazingness. I really really like him!
I was telling him that I like that he annoys me because when it comes to expressing my opinions I’m quite passive – I’d rather stay silent to preserve someone else’s feelings than express how they’ve made me feel – and it’s good that he pushes me to a point where I can vocalise my feelings. I really need that. I can’t keep being a people-pleasing pushover. I always get hurt in the end because people take advantage of my inability to be angry at them. So him affecting me emotionally is a good thing.
Actually the truth is, when we had those initial altercations, I didn’t give two shits about what he thought. I was ready to cancel him. But then, on the day he ignored me, I realised I actually really really liked him. So maybe not caring what people think is what I need to start doing more often. I am however glad that I decided to reconcile, because he is something special.
He opened up a little bit yesterday about his family. I don’t like to pry so I tried to keep things as shallow as possible until he’s ready to delve in deeper. Some conversations are just worth waiting for.
But I have a good feeling about this one. I want to see where it goes. I’ve asked him out on a date and everything because he’s always taking me out and he never lets me pay. Grr! So now it’s my turn. I want to do something nice for him. I’m forever the sentimentalist, so it has to be something special and meaningful. I’ll think about it.
I literally have so much on my mind right now. I’m thinking about how different Igor is to the ex and how he isn’t what I would necessarily assume is right for me. I think that’s a thought train that I’ll have to ride another day though because there’s a lot to say on this topic, specifically surrounding “types”, “compatibility” and “chemistry”.
Anyway my mood sucks. I should sleep. Night!