I go from feeling nothing to feeling everything. I feel overwhelmed by my affection for this guy. My heart feels heavy and I’m nervous.
I even borderline want to cry. Like you know when you feel like you’re being suffocated by emotions and the next best thing to expressing them is crying. Yeah, that’s what happens when you choose to feel. I was happy being miserable and emotionally numb. It was a nice break from whatever repulsiveness is happening inside of me right now.
Do you think I want to fall in love? Actually, is this even love? It feels more like an intense attraction to someone for no sane reason at all.
I don’t even know how to physically express this emotion to Igor.
Obviously Googled this shit and what I’ve found makes sense. Potentially having deeper feelings for Igor is definitely stirring up past hurts. Love to me is associated with sadness and unreciprocated selflessness. I remember what it turned me into and I promised myself I wouldn’t be that person anymore. Love did that. I stayed with my ex for no other reason other than I loved him and I can’t go back to that.
I’m fucking terrified. I don’t know how to allow myself to just let go of those hurts and just be.
* * *
I can’t talk to him. I try to express my fears and my concerns and he makes me feel ten times worse with his unneeded interjections and advice. All I want from him is to listen. Instead he makes me just want to shut up and not say anything anymore because then I start to feel stupid for feeling how I feel.
And now I’m crying because I’m emotional and I can’t even talk to my own fucking boyfriend about it.
I’m tired of approaching him with my fears. I’m never talking to him about anything again. He isn’t helpful. He always, without fail, makes me feel worse than I already do. And then he wonders why I never share anything with him. I can’t be bothered anymore. This whole love thing isn’t for me.
Why can’t he understand that I have a wounded heart and not everything is going to suddenly and magically fix itself all because I’m in a new relationship? I don’t get to start over with a clean slate. I have shitty baggage that I’ve dragged with me and it’s affecting every facet of my life. Why can’t he understand this and show support in a way that doesn’t include unwarranted words of advice.
See this is why it’s easier to just close up. You try to be vulnerable with someone and they come at you with shit that makes you feel even less. Obviously it’s not intentional but he always does this and when he does I run away because I’m not going to be told that the way I’m feeling is uncalled for.
I’m not going to be with someone who makes me feel like my fears and my feelings are not worth having. I’ve been there, done that and I have the emotional scars to prove it. I want to follow through with openness, in a safe space where I know I’m being heard and supported.
I’m not doing this again. Fuck it.
* * *
I don’t want to talk to my fucking journal all the time. I have no one.