My mood still sucks.
Ever since my ex relationship started to get a bit rocky, I haven’t been able to sleep properly, and that was over four months ago! I thought moving on from it and leaving the anxiety and depression behind would put me back into a healthy sleep routine but it just hasn’t gotten better. I’m ridiculously tired on most days and literally don’t have the will for basic brain functionality. I used to be an amazing sleeper, yes, it’s a skill. I’d conk out almost immediately (which I still do, thank God) and sleep right up until my alarm. Now, I wake up way before my alarm rings without properly getting the nurturing sleep I need to put my mind in a good place.
And because I tend to worry about everything, I’m at major risk of anxiety again. I’d start worrying that I’m not sleeping because there’s an underlying cause and then I’d worry more because I wouldn’t know what the cause is, then the stress would pile up because I’d want to know what the cause is so that I could fix it and get good sleep but then I’d get so stressed and worried over failing to know myself inside and out that I probably wouldn’t be able to get a good night’s sleep and the cycle would continue until depression comes a-knocking and suddenly life would suck!
But let me not go there because I’d rather that didn’t happen.
I am so tired right now but sometimes being in one of my subdued and sombre moods actually allows me to give myself space to just sit and think, put things into perspective and learn about myself. Yesterday I wasn’t in the best of moods, on account of not visiting my grandma, but I actually was able to just have a moment to myself where everything wasn’t going at 100 mph (how my life tends to be on my happy, hyper days) and I realised I actually suck at taking instruction from people. Because I’m such a free spirit, I see instruction as a way to reign me in, to control me, to stop me from being me and I rebel against it. I’m trying to be better, I’m going to start listening to people and not take offence when they ask me to do something.
I think it was a major problem in my ex relationship. I didn’t listen to him enough, and I take complete ownership for my actions. There were many problems in that relationship and me not listening definitely contributed. It’s quiet unfortunate that things ended but he wasn’t for me – so although I am grateful that I was able to share five years of my life with a truly remarkable person, I’m glad we were able to go our separate ways to find our rightful forever-persons. There’s no animosity there, he made me happy and I want someone to make him as happy as he made me. He deserves the bests.
When I was on one of my written rants, I wrote one line that just made too much sense, “the best you can do is cheer him on from the far away side-lines of your mind”. There’s no need for me to contact him, but regardless of how far away and disconnected we are, I’ll always champion him. I may not express it verbally or physically, but in my head, I’ll always have his back. I’ve spent 20% of my life with him, and he’s a great guy, I’m not going to discard him like he never existed, he did. Feelings got hurt, but it was for the best and I’m glad he gave me the freedom to chase my own happiness without him. I’ll always appreciate him for that.
Thank you.
I’ll never be the perfect lover, friend, daughter, sister, but I can try. There’s always room for improvement and growth. I’ve learnt so much about myself these past few months, I understand myself better. I can confidently say I know myself. I know what I want from life. I know what’s important to me. Going through this breakup has been a blessing in disguise. I am an adult, and I’ve dealt with my shit in a very adult way. Acting like a kid has nothing to do with maturity. How you deal with life is the benchmark that should be used. I’m going to keep working hard on my self-development because I want to be a good person. A good wife. A good mother. I want my children to grow up to be emotionally intelligent beings with a good grasp of what life is about. I want to do that for them.
See, sombre Dera can be a very mindful and philosophical person when given the chance. I’m just in a melancholy mood – the best kind of mood for depth! I’ve learnt that happy won’t always be my default mood and I need to be ok with feeling the lows along with the highs. It took me getting depressed to realise that, I’m happy I did though, because I’m now very accepting of the various shades of Dera.
But that’s enough depth for one day. It’s not even midday yet! And I’m still seeing Igor tonight so maybe there will be much more to journal about.