Here we go again. He’s once again reduced me to tears because he doesn’t fucking understand. I’m not comparing him to my past relationship. Once again it has nothing to do with him and yet it’s somehow about him. This has to do with me and the fact that I’m fucking scared to allow myself to love. Not because there are any similarities between him and my ex. But because I’m cautious. I don’t want to be what relationships have made me. It’s about me. Not about him inevitably breaking my heart. It’s MY fear that I will get hurt, not that HE will hurt me.
Why can’t he just shut up and listen. The fact that I like him so much is causing me more distress than happiness. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m fed up. I’m waving the white flag. It’s time to go.
* * *
I don’t talk to him and there’s a problem. I do talk to him and there’s a problem. I’m not always sad. In fact I’m not a sad person but this relationship has done more to disrupt my happiness than I’m comfortable with. I am probably to blame but he’s not helping either. Yesterday when I tried talking to him he actually said to me that there’s always something wrong with me. Like thanks?
What’s the point in being with someone if you can’t even go to them when you’re feeling a little bit down? Something that should have been straightforward comforting has turned into a full blown confrontation.
I can’t do this anymore journal. I’m not ready to be sad all the time. I need to talk to someone. Anyone. I just need a little comfort. I’m drowning in my own sorrow and I have to deal with it alone. I felt less lonely when I was single.
* * *
He’s got a lot to learn but it’s fine. I care about him enough to want to work through this. We’re different people and we deal with things differently. This is all a process of getting to know each other’s likes and dislikes. He needs to realise that negating my emotions isn’t going to receive a welcoming response and nor is unsolicited advice. All I want is his calming presence. His arms around me. His reassurance.
He did well when I struggled to get wet. But I guess he realised it was about me and had nothing to do with him so he couldn’t interject with defensive comments. It’s nice when he understands and frustrating when he doesn’t.
I’m in two minds about running away. Right now I feel like proposing some time apart. But that’s just me refusing to deal with difficult situations. To me it’s probably easier to break up because I won’t be throwing away years of commitment. It’s only been a few months so there wouldn’t be much loss there. But it’s a cop out. Letting someone in is never easy but I want to try. I’ve seen how happy love can make me. Yes, I’ve had sad moments, but that’s a given. And love isn’t probably to blame for those sad moments. Love is beautiful and love is choosing to see the beauty even when everything seems ugly. Love is only ever positive. I want that for myself. With Igor.
Now that he’s allowed me to actually express my worries maybe things can move on easily.
I’m a very touchy feely person – I love being held and shown affection. But actually I realise now that with Igor even though I want to be near him more than anything, when I am, I’d rather distract myself with something else. It’s like I’m existing in his presence and I can’t bring myself to be present. I just want to be normal. I know myself and this isn’t me. It’s annoying actually.
* * *
I feel better. I want nothing more right now than to be in his arms. The attraction I have for him hasn’t disappeared. In fact I still feel plenty for him. It was never a case of me feeling nothing. It was that I felt too much and I didn’t know how to deal with it. Anyway all is well. I hope that’s the last time we’ll argue about this.
Chapter closed.