Igor you better not be reading my journal!
* * *
Anyway, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never felt so torn because I don’t have that compelling force that pushed me to break up with my ex. I knew breaking up with my him was the right thing to do. I knew it in my gut.
With Igor I don’t feel that. There’s nothing that’s telling me go or to stay.
Igor and I have a connection and when we’re connected it’s fire. It’s magical. And when we’re disconnected our blissful harmony turns into a cacophony of disjointed emotions. Things becomes hard and I want to run.
And because I want to run, I think I start creating excuses to not be with him anymore. He’s too this. He’s too that. Things that weren’t a problem before. The attraction wanes. The sex doesn’t feel great. Things change for the worse. And it sucks.
I know how I’ve felt about him in the past, which is why I don’t want to write the relationship off. It’s not the first time we’ve been stuck in a rut and bounced back. It was only last week that we were an amazing couple having amazing sex.
But I do switch off. Especially when there’s a misunderstanding or an insecurity creeps up. Me feeling like Igor didn’t like me anymore was an insecurity. He was having a shit week and wasn’t as responsive to my increased levels of affection towards him. That to me spelled disaster! I was showing him care and plenty of love and my romanticisms just happened to coincide with his bad mood. Any other week I’m sure it would have been reciprocated but being so used to people (partners and friends alike) not giving as good as they get, and being betrayed way too many times, it makes for a successful recipe to clammer up and run.
What makes this suck is that he is literally everything I asked for in a lover. Everything. Obviously he’s not perfect but he makes me feel loved and wanted.
I really, really, really wish I could say that I’m not attracted to him. It would make my life easier. But when things are good he gives me vaginal butterflies, he gives me good D and I find him very handsome.
I want to give this a chance. I know we’re still learning about each other and I know we will grow in love so I have no reason to feel like we’re failing when we haven’t actually had any major issues. Just insecurities.
But what I refuse to do is to fuck him around and hurt him with my rollercoaster of fluctuating emotions.
Maybe we need to take it slow. Very slow. Like, see each other once a week, slow.
Or maybe breaking up is the right thing to do? Maybe I’m just not that into him? Which makes no sense because I was into him last week. And it was only over the last few days that I’ve started feeling like this and that was only because of little disagreements and me feeling like he wasn’t into me.
THEREFORE, to conclude. I’m staying. Phew!
* * *
Nope.
Just told him I’m not leaving him and now I want to run away. But I can guarantee that if I’d said I was going, I’d be questioning myself.
I can’t win with myself.