He’s growing on me.
What I’ve come to realise is that I don’t want or need an all-in-one boyfriend. I don’t need him to be my best friend or even my friend full stop. The dynamics of a friendship is completely different to that of a romantic relationship and when it comes down to it, he’s my lover and what I need from him is love, protection and home.
So that’s how I deduced what the problem is. I feel alone because I don’t really have a friend that I can do the things that interest me with. Why my ex was an amazing friend was because we did everything together. We had fun together. We watched shit together. We had this togetherness that made us more friends than anything but the romance wasn’t there. And that’s what I miss – friendship. And I realised that Igor and I aren’t friends like that.
But I don’t want to turn Igor into a friend. So I need to make friends. Someone I can do all the fun stuff with. Someone who shares the same interests as me. Igor won’t be that person. We will have fun and there will be interests that we share, but he’ll be my emotional support. My rock. And that’s what I need him for.
If I had a friend, all my sadness would disperse.
I met his brother yesterday. Good kid. He’s a year younger than me but I basically see him as a child because he’s my boyfriend’s baby brother. We had a good night out. We went to a bar, had some alcohol, played some Mario Kart. Igor, like usually, was the party pooper. Always telling us off, acting like the old man he is. He needs to lighten up, that guy, but it’s fine. Like I said, I don’t expect him to partake in the silliness, he’s not a friend.
I haven’t had sex in like a million years. Not even an over exaggeration. I’ve died and been reincarnated at least five times and here I am again, reborn and basically a virgin. Igor needs to stick his pee hose in my vagina like now.
I wonder if my kids will ever read this journal. Well maybe when they’re 50 or something. There’s a lot of lessons to be learnt here. Plus they get to read about the progression of their parents relationship. How things transpired on a day by day basis. It’ll basically be like watching ‘How I Met Your Mother’, how cool!
I finished a craft project today. Turned out pretty decent. I’ll take pictures tomorrow and start working on a YouTube video soon! Things are going pretty well on the craft front. I seem to be getting better and better and my following is growing. I have about 285 email subscribers on my 1.5 year old blog, which is really good. I see that number growing exponentially in the coming days. I’m so excited.
Have I also mentioned that I want to open a tea house? I’ve written the business plan and I’ve got a financial forecast and everything. The sad thing is that we, as in Casper and I, are going to need a lot more money than anticipated, at least from what my forecasting has projected. We’ll probably have to take out a huge business loan, which is so risky. I’m still thinking about whether we should go ahead with it. I’m not one to give up and I’m definitely prepared to take on the risk but life is real and so is debt. I need to think carefully about this…
Anyway, I’m bored and hungry and I’ve basically typed out this whole weeks’ summary. But to conclude, I like my boyfriend and now that I’ve stopped feeling depressed over the fact that I don’t have friendship in my life, I’m going to start seeing and treating him like a boyfriend and not expect him to fulfil every platonic and non-platonic role in my life.
* * *
My ex was the best friend I ever had. The number one friend. Thinking about it, it should never have gone beyond friendship, but we loved each other and that was enough… Until it wasn’t enough.
I’ve made many close friends and I’ve lost most of them. I wish we had stayed just friends and not dated so that he could be my best friend forever. I miss him. Maybe in a few years we can be reacquainted.
Maybe…