No.
I’ve been feeling a bit blue. I don’t know why and I don’t want to verbalise my inkling. So let’s leave it at that and move onto better things.
Nooo I don’t want to say it. If I do I’ll cry! Ok fine. I…
No I can’t bring it to life. In fact I’ve decided that that isn’t the reason. I need to find the real reason for my melancholy.
I need to take time out to meditate tonight. I’m not in the best of moods and I know things can escalate if I allow them to.
Ok! Let’s just say maybe it’s time for me to start spending less time with Tank. Fuck. Can’t be developing feelings.
We spend a lot of time together. But as friends! Lack of feelings should stay that way!
Boo fucking hoo.
Save me from myself.
Anyway, the Italian told me what he had planned. In fact I just can’t be bothered to even think about any guy right now. I want to sleep.
* * *
I’m seeing Cymric soon. Just spoke with him for a while.
Omg! No more guys please! I can’t. I’m going to start overthinking shit!
I need to take time out to meditate tonight. I’m not in the best of moods and I know things can escalate if I allow them to.
* * *
I just did a bit of mindfulness meditation. I’ve gotten rid of my thoughts now, thank God and I feel I have a little bit more clarity.
So here goes. I don’t think I’m getting upset that I may be catching feelings for Tank – although they are unwarranted and a little bit frustrating, it’s not the first time I’ve possibly liked a guy. I need to be real here. There’s nothing to fear about liking someone, in fact it should be a good thing, it’s shows me that I can feel that way about someone again.
But the problem is that that is the problem; the fact I can feel that way about someone again. I don’t know. Maybe it’s my subconscious psyche, or maybe I’m just interpreting this all wrong but I feel like it’s almost a betrayal to the love I shared with Jomi.
He’s my one and only love. The only person I wanted to share my heart with. If I give it to someone else, then what? I’m going back on my dreams and promises. And that hurts a bit. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I just don’t want to catch feelings for Tank because he’s unobtainable. He wouldn’t want me and no one wants to be rejected.
I was never this close to Igor. I never felt so vulnerable with him to the point that I felt that betrayal to my ex. I don’t think I was ever so open to him and maybe that’s why I didn’t have that fear. Tank is the first person in a long time who I’ve felt connected to on a level deeper than just civility. Maybe I just don’t know how to deal with these feelings outside of a romantic relationship with the supposed love of my life. Because these feelings don’t belong between Tank and I.
I want to listen to my heart. Listen to my inner being and really figure out whether these feelings are even really there at all. I don’t think they’re romantic feelings. They’re more akin to the platonic relationship that I shared with Jomi. And there are very few people who I have shared such a relationship with.
Now I need to cry because I have to say goodbye to the one thing that really bonded me to Jomi. Our friendship.
* * *
It was the friendship all along. It’s not a crush, or anything romantic – it’s the friendship. It’s easy to mistaken friendship for romantic love because I was in a relationship with someone who was only my best friend for a very long time. But I don’t have sexual thoughts or impulses for Tank. I did for Igor and that’s where all this differs.
I think the sadness comes from having to share myself, my friendship with someone else.
I’m sorry Jomi. You were my best friend. I’ve mourned our friendship for a very long time. I haven’t been able to let it go, and it’s been hurting me as I’ve only ever felt lonely ever since I left you. But for the first time, I don’t feel that way, which means I have to let you go. I love who you were to me. And I love you. But it’s time to move forward.