I recounted the whole story of mine and Cymric’s relationship to a friend and it’s opened up mild feelings of sadness. It’s ok. I accept it for what it is. I’ve moved on from that.
Recently, I’ve been keeping my own company. I come home from work and don’t really talk to anyone. I just read. All I do is read. It’s easy. My boredom flees and I have no need for human companionship.
I haven’t written for a few days because literally nothing has been happening with me. I haven’t even given myself much space to ruminate over anything. If I’m not reading, then I’m keeping myself focused on something else. So there’s nothing to write about. My mind is as bland as my life.
Work has been keeping me busy to be honest, which is good. I like that the days fly by. I don’t have to sit around bored doing nothing.
* * *
Tank and I are friends again. I went up to him and asked him if we could be friends again and he conceded. Only after telling me that being friends with me is too much effort because I send too many messages on WhatsApp and so he’d rather not be friends… Indefinitely. Well, there’s a bullshit excuse if ever I’ve seen one.
Anyway, the whole premise to our breakup was just stupid, hence why I was barely bothered by it. In fact, it was so childish that I’d rather not waste time worrying over something that was way, way below me.
That aside, since I was on a roll with the whole recounting of mine and Cymric’s relationship, I asked another friend if he wanted to hear my greatest love story (if I was going to tell it again, then today was the day because I don’t need to be bringing up sad memories on a regular). He said it was a sad story but he liked it. I liked it too. Truly. I feel like it was my own version of generic romance story, except at the end, I end up alone – which is fine! But I like that it didn’t have a happy ending because it allows me to look back from outside the situation and appreciate the wonder of it all.
The memory hasn’t been soiled by the longevity that comes with actual romantic relationships, where everything because static, where arguments and disagreements spoil perceptions. In that little weekend, everything was perfect. Real life, for once, was perfect. And that’s what I’m choosing to take with me and appreciate. The fact that I experienced it is more than enough.
Not everyone gets to live something real, so I’m honoured that life has chosen to bestow upon me a glance through the looking glass of potential. I’ve seen that it’s not impossible for me to find completeness in someone.
I feel energised by it. Cymric and I will never be friends again but if our paths ever cross, best believe we’ll be leaving down the same road… together.
After work, I had a meal with colleagues. They were all men, with at least 10 years on me. So I ate and listened and that was that.
Once in a while I do a sanity check, just to see how I’m feeling. Generally, I feel average. I’m not over the moon happy, but I’m not sad either. I’m just in the middle. Not feeling so motivated that I’m doing everything but not feeling so demotivated that I’m doing nothing. I’m neither here nor there. I’m just meh.
But meh is better than overthinking, spiralling, deep diving into depression. It’s definitely better than feeling alone and unwanted. So I’ll take my meh and work it into something legendary.